Sunday, July 28, 2019

My Ex gets married and life still moves on....

I cannot believe that my life is taking such turns. I am not even aware of what I want. After last night’s fight, I did feel that ‘Sujay’ was better off without me. Today, I cleaned the washroom but told my colleagues that I’m unwell and I need an off. Reached Lamakaan at around 2:00 p.m, I was looking for a quiet place, it didn’t take me so much time to realize that everyone here wants a quiet place for themselves as I see that people are spread everywhere.

There are certain questions that I am asking myself as I always do. Can anyone give me happiness other than myself? Can I give happiness and satisfaction to others? I don’t think so. My mother, as I understand is imagining something that isn’t there in the first place. Did I behave just like this when I was with Sujay? Sometimes maybe.

I wasn’t thinking much about him after joining Fpix, it’s only after getting to know that he’s married I’ve started thinking about him. I remember reaching out to him in May and then in July. I get the information that he’s married. I was in shock for a few days, but now I’m doing okay. I just feel that he moved on so quickly!

I mean, not that he shouldn’t but it seems a little surprising since he said he wouldn’t marry anyone else. Have I made the right choice by letting him go? In retrospect, I can see that he was playing safe and his behavior was guarded. I can sit here and write about what all went wrong, while a ginger cat sleeps beside me. I had an intuition, screaming at me to get away from him. It would nag me at times and I would end up wanting to break away from him. He would convince and beg; I’d give it a little bit more time.

Other times it was me who would beg him to marry me, usually register marriage of sorts.
·         Did he really marry me?
·         Did I really love him?
·         Did I test his patience too much?
·         Did I push myself and my problems onto him?

Sometimes I felt I’m pushing him way too far. My behavior did change a little in the due course. He seemed to be waiting for a miracle to happen, while he suffered. Since I know my parent’s personality, I was not ashamed of expressing my desire to get separated from them.

I had called Mahitha three hours ago and she said she’ll be here in one and a half hours but now, when I’m calling her again there is no response. It’s alright I got to accept that life does suck!
My mind wanders to what he’ll be doing to his wife. I know I need to stop these thoughts. I don’t know if he willingly married her. Never mind it’s a matter of time, things will fall into place. I just need to manage myself through this phase. I’ve lost interest and respect for marriage. I am at a phase wherein I don’t mind staying alone. It does get scary but to quote Sadhguru “We are alone in this body, though we are interacting or having intercourse.”

He captured it so well, didn’t he?

Since there’s so much pressure on me to get married, I don’t know if I’ll give into it. Mother will create her drama and there will be loads of ruckus. Secretly, I want every proposal that comes to me turn away saying that I’m not the one for them, I wish it to happen. I want to stay single forever!

I don’t know why I’m affirming it but deep down I’m just not sure about anything.

I accept that it was never meant to be. I only feel bad that I spent so much time and gave myself fully into it though I had this intuition that he might not stand up and fight for me.

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