Saturday, June 15, 2019

What all has been happening in my life? Read this post to find out!

10-Jun-19 

It's 11:00 p.m and I've just finished a short meditation, it wasn't that deep at all because I was sleepy. But the one that I did in the morning seemed to make sense to me. How was my day today? Well, it was good because my boss was not around.  

I drafted a mail to myself with some files that I might look at in the morning. I feel good that I finally completed reading 'Man's Eternal Quest' and now completing the book 'Best Foot Forward' is another self-help cum spiritual book. I'm seeking something deep, and hence the reading list got way too serious. At the office today I heard people talk about my boss and I felt sad for him. I mean he can change all this just by being attentive to people when they say something and genuinely encourage them, not just for the sake of it. 

My eyes are literally shutting down, I guess I got to go now and yea I received my shaker from Amazon and I wrote a review of it on the website as well. My brother wanted to talk to me today but I was just overwhelmed with the curriculum mapping that I had to do. I will look at it in the morning with a fresh mind. 

That's it for now. 
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11-Jun-19 

How was today? Well, pretty hectic. The files that have been downloaded from iStock didn't make my life any easier. I had to sit and do all the infographics that I suggested on Canva. And then in the evening, my brother called, talked about the message that my aunt has sent him. He finally understood what all she has been doing and firmly decided not to entertain her any further and I was happy for him.  I resumed reading 'Best Foot Forward' and it's beautiful that way the author is describing the way he found God. How he didn't take God seriously but when finally he realized his mistake he changed his lifestyle. So, it's a book about his personal experiences which transformed him to pursue that which is everlasting: God.  I have now become a little aware of my thoughts and thinking about God. I kind of felt even God was thinking of me when I came across a sentence in Paramahansa Yogananda ji's book 'Man's Eternal Quest'.   Even the agnostic who thinks he can never know God, if he pursues in his quest will finally find him.   Of course, the wordings were a little different but it made total sense to me because once when Shreya asked me about my belief in God, I said I don't know. It was a vague reply, to which she remarked that I'm an agnostic. I never knew that word before but when she said it I looked it up online and the meaning of that word aptly described my situation.  The sentence from that book seemed like it was God's way of saying 'Never mind, at least you think of me'.  Well, I do think of you. A lot. 
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12-Jun-19 

It's night now, almost 11:30 p.m and I've just had my dinner and watched a video by the actor Madhavan. It was an eye-opener, he spoke about our health and how we need to eat food properly. He recollected his experiences in Austria and many insightful things were shared by him. I shared it on my Whatsapp status.  

In it, he also said that at night there must be three hours of gap between eating dinner and falling asleep! Now I know why I've been feeling whatever I was feeling. I got the backpack that I had ordered on Amazon and it is good. I feel that it truly serves the purpose. I especially like the look of it. It's minimalistic and classy.  

Today, I haven't read much but while I was in the office I ended up downloaded a hell lot of books. I'm just getting greedy for books day by day. I'm glad that I'm getting addicted to books, even now at times I'm thinking about my past relationship. It will take time but I will forget it. It was never a relationship, there was a lack of emotional connect and no matter how close I wanted to to get to him, I could see that he was always guarded. 
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13-Jun-19 

Yesterday, I pinged Nethra on Whatsapp. She did respond to the questions I asked and wanted to know how I was doing. I replied I'm okay, and I kind of wanted her to ask me about my relationship but she didn't. Well, even though I was dying to share with her what all had happened I knew it wouldn't serve any purpose.   I was also looking forward to her to invite me to her home since she said she's in Hyderabad but she didn't take the conversation any further and I realized that I cannot really force myself into her life just like that.   Last night I had this dream which was so ridiculous. In the dream, I went to a shop to buy onions, which I did but once I was at home I realized that I forgot to pick up the packet. This happened not just once or thrice but till I woke up because I was so irritated with myself for being so forgetful. It's a crazy dream, I just have this inkling that this tried to teach me something about myself. Was it to say that I keep forgetting my lessons whenever I get out of a relationship?  I don't know. 
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14-Jun-19 

Today was again a bit irritating. My mom asked why I took leave and I kept quiet. I didn't want to answer her query, I didn't want to talk to anybody. I wanted to be left alone, she came back again and said we should go shopping as she feels that I don't have proper traditional wear to attend any functions. I outrightly said that I'm not interested. I don't really know how to explain this hopelessness that I feel to people around me. It's so deep and has come back again that I lost interest in almost everything, even in life!  I can't afford to lose the battle; all these peaks and troughs have now become quite a part of my being. I whiled away today by being distracted. I did read a bit and worked just a little on the grammar exercise. I could have totally done a lot more but I didn't. In the afternoon I slept, the sleep was quite deep but the only thing was I got up once or twice in between because of anxiety and I guess I heard my mom shout. When I looked for her, she was sound asleep.  When she was done asking me about shopping, she urged me to visit the tailor, so that the pending blouses can be stitched. I don't understand this. She keeps making a fuss about things that don't matter to me at all.  I took an off to heal myself not to subject myself to another set of her curses. I want to go to Lamkaan tomorrow and be a part of the writing club. I need to take my writing seriously. I haven't written much these days. The last proper stuff that I wrote was a book review of Grit by Angela Duckworth. Nothing major as such. The thing is do I tell her that I'm going to the office or just say that I want to visit my friend's place?  Friend's place will create ruckus, I better settle down saying that I'm going to be in the office. I ended the day watching the movie Hyderabad Blues, it was a nice one and way too ahead of its time. Planning to watch more of Nagesh Kuknoor's work. 
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