Sunday, September 16, 2018

An amateurish being I am.....

Why wasn't I writing my blog?

I don't even know where to start from, I've always thought that I'm very adaptable and flexible but now, at this point of time in life I've realized that I don't know a shit about being with a change, accepting it. I can now say that my life, as I see it now has taken a huge leap. It costs a lot to acknowledge that the relationship was not really going anywhere, and the fact that I've become a maniac from within scares the crap out of me.

I've come to know that I really don't know anything about love. All I knew was that tingling sensation, and being in a utopian state. I don't know if I'm the sole reason the relationship ended, because when I look back (though I tell myself I should not) I could see that there was nothing from the very beginning. It was me, who interpreted the small things and the big things in a way that suited me.

My overtly thinking is unbearable, I agree. That's understandable when it comes to play out in my interactions with my family. I don't even know if I feel bad about ending this relationship, because deep down I always felt he wasn't right for me. Millions of times I said I wanted it to end, but he'd come back (or I'll go back) only to realize that I just don't want it.

And this time he didn't, first time ever he said that he doesn't want this relationship anymore. It was a phone call, it was alright that I couldn't see his facial expressions and in a way glad that he couldn't see mine but I was not that hurt. I felt a little uneasy from within because I failed to explain to him my deepest feelings, thoughts and how I tried my level best to bear everything: the way he'd not look into my eyes when I talk, the way I'd be so serious about an issue and it doesn't really bother him, the way I'd wait for him. Literally, stand on the road for him to turn up even when people around are looking at me suspiciously, people commenting etc. Eventually ended up looking for that emotional connect with others.

The way he failed to understand me, I , on another hand couldn't grasp his idea about life. I couldn't feel him in my life anymore, it's like he was another stranger altogether. Let me tell you something, it's not about spending time together. It was more about how receptive we are towards each other when we're together.

Well, the thing is it's has ended. Nothing more, nothing less.