Thursday, October 19, 2017

Expectation Management

I’m in my room with a dim light that has replaced the powerful tube light long back. It isn’t great but lasted long enough that I’m somehow used to its less attractive aura. Honestly, at this point of time in my life, when marriage is the utmost thing on my family’s priority list and I’m being asked to obey and follow that path carved out for me, I feel violated somehow.

I hear sporadic sounds of crackers bursting as it is the festival of Diwali, I’m not inclined to burst crackers or any other paraphernalia. I’m in a different world, far away from all these activities that tend to slow down life and make them mundane. At present I’m in a place where I’m questioning the very existence of my being, feeling utterly clueless about the happenings in my life.

In other words I’m in a fight or flight mode, I have fought till now but the result has become a deteriorating chore that doesn’t yield any result. To walk away is another question that keeps me awake at night, when my dream ends and I’m pushed back into the reality still thinking about the dream, trying to interpret it somehow to suit my sanity.

Why it is that a woman is often asked to lower her expectations: from people (which is understood) and life (which I cannot fathom). This conditioned mindset that women are inferior and must be at the mercy of the opposite sex. It is highly supported by women themselves which shocks me the most.

I feel ashamed when I’m unable to speak out my opinions: what happened to all the education that I got? I feel sick thinking about my helplessness. I’m letting this discrimination happen to me and somewhere deep down I’m coming to terms in accepting it.

I’m 24 and haven’t been working in a full time job since March this year, trying to please family so that they’d let me marry the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life. All the things I gave up never mattered to anybody, heck there’s no one who care about my feelings.

Of course, they have their reasons but you cannot force others to live a life that they’re not interested in. It’s scary when everyone comes into picture claiming that they have the best intentions for you, but when you look back in life they were hardly there.

How can it be they’re asking me to believe them when they’ve never ever gave a damn about me? Can I stay in a stressful environment for long? Or is it just my mind playing tricks?