Monday, March 20, 2017

Desiring death almost

My health is dwindling down to nothingness I believe. May be, it’s not that physical weakness people around me are talking about but the mental battles that I’m going through every now and then. Most of the times at night I wake up choking, not because of any random nightmare instead it’s like my lungs and nostrils have shut down or about to completely shut down. Nowhere in the middle of the night I find myself struggling with these invisible battles and at a point in between, somewhere I close my eyes and get into a trance-like sleep which embraces me again.

Dreams? I’m not at all in a position to re-think what I have seen in my dreams; those are almost as far away as I am to my true self. I’ve helped cleaning home and it has been quite a tiresome day. I also have these constant thoughts about death of a beloved; I don’t know why I’m totally into it these days. Probably, the information I’m receiving that something is wrong and better prepare for the drastic stuff. I don’t know if I even bear the needed strength, my body, my mind is making it very hard for me to go about in life’s typical day.

I completed reading ‘The Red House’ by Mark Haddon; it’s another well written novel by him. Previously, I read ‘The Curious Incident of Dog in the Night Time’ way back in high school or something. It is this book that first introduced me to the word ‘Autism’ and I loved this author for writing something like that, everyone must read it. You’ll know how it is like to be autistic and what exactly goes in their mind.


Sunday, March 19, 2017

Movies back to back

My mind is at a loss and it isn’t working properly these days at all. I understand now, that I seriously needed a break from everything and even now I don’t want to get so busy that I forget about my creativity, which ultimately leads to anxiety and stress.

I’m enjoying the moment I’m in, I’m reading, learning, painting and watching movies. Today, I watched two beautiful films ‘The Fundamentals of Caring’ and ‘100 Days of Love’. The former one is an English movie, revolving around a teenager who is diagnosed with muscular disease that makes him to stick to a wheel chair and will always need a caregiver to be on his side.

It’s his journey what he sees and learns of the world is portrayed nicely. The latter one, I watched the Malyalam version with subtitles on, there is some charm in watching the movies in their own language with subtitles on, I do agree that subtitles are kind of distracting but that’s the beauty of it. I particularly watched it because of the lead female protagonist—Nithya Menon. Her movies are just mind blowing, she does that with her expressions and they’re simply pure and natural.

I think these two movies made my day, apart from watching these I also watched some Excel tutorial videos that are helping me to learn excel from the scratch and I’m not backing off this time. I really need to get down to the basics, I mean, for me everything is back to square one.


Saturday, March 18, 2017


After a long time I set out from home and everything around me seems unfamiliar. It’s like I’m looking at this world with an open mindedness that wasn’t there in my being before. I looked at the vehicles on the road that seem to be way too fast for my eyes to study them.

As I type this I could feel my eyes heavy with fatigue and they just want to nose-dive into a slumber that is very much is luring me. I did think of the childhood memories that do come to me often when I’m doing something else and not when I sit down to ponder over them.

Though not everything was good about childhood, it did provide me with necessary distractions. The way I could totally be cold to someone and return back as if nothing has happened. I did dust my things properly, and got a little cough in between.

In between I did have some dreams and now they are trying to become the reality I never lived. I’m on medication these days, as I now appear to be weak I think I should admit it. The things that I loved today was sitting in the auto and watching the world go by; followed up with me eating ‘pani puri’ which were absolutely delicious. So much so that I ate another plate as well.

 Last but not least, I have to mention that I drew another rough picture with pencil; well it wasn’t different from the previous ones. I’m glad that I get to think a whole different combination colors.


Friday, March 17, 2017

Leaving a legacy

Will I be ever good enough to all those judging eyes? I don’t know and I don’t want to think about them anymore. Not now, never. I wonder when I’m alone about the situation in my life, the circumstances and though I have a very strong opinion about how my life should be and in which direction it better go, I see that I’m often frustrated and insecure.

I hardly find myself being genuinely happy for others, I’m aware that it’s not the person I am deep down and would definitely want to come out of such creepy thoughts but the truth is that I’m stuck and feel stifled most of the times.

I’m a woman of opinions, on many things that people around me usually avoid expressing anything at all. I watched a movie today ‘The Man Who Knew Infinity’; I’m not a big fan of mathematics or number for that matter still this movie held my attention.

There was this particular scene in the movie where Mr. Hardy tells Ramanujan that he has to leave a legacy, now I think what my legacy will be? What is that I can leave behind that made people desperate enough to have me back in this world? I do have an answer, I believe that my miniature paintings, my photography and some random writings are something that I can bind together and call them a legacy.

Well it isn’t an extraordinary stuff that I’ve done but I can assure myself that these things that I’m doing everyday for few minutes will leave me a sumptuous amount of work to display and share the ideas with others. I want to learn things, and I’m engaging myself to do that on a daily basis. Learn. Learn. Learn.

People will put me down, call me names and laugh at the amateur works that I’ve been doing, but there will be one day when I look back the dots connect, puzzle gets back into its place and tough times give me timeless lessons. While I work on my flaws, I’ll be waiting for that day.


Thursday, March 16, 2017

Parenting in my view.

What does parenting mean to me? I don’t have a positive word to describe it is all I can say. I think there are few traits that can help you to make out the difficult ones among the cool going ones. Here is my list of traits that parents SHOULD NOT POSSES, in order to be known as good parents/good parenting.

I do know that I’m not qualified enough to make any comment about parenting given that I have little or no experience. But as a child I think I can give a cheat sheet at least. I don’t really care if this list offends anyone; we’re different people and think differently!

1.      Telling your kids again and again that they are successful and could be successful only if they follow the path that they carved.

2.  Comparing them as to why they’re not active like their peers.

3.  Cursing them that they’ll die or get sick with a dangerous disease if they don’t make parents their priority.

4.      They make you live with someone as life partner, even if you don’t really love that person.

5.      They say that love marriages are sin, as it doesn’t involve their decision.

6.      They buy you things without your knowledge and want to accept that stuff wholeheartedly without any questions raised.

7.  They claim that they know you more and how you’ll be happy.

8.  They are mostly likely to dislike your independence. (Financial or Emotional)

9.   They manipulate you by citing their old age and the sacrifices they made as a weapon to get you agree on some of the most crucial decisions of your life.

10.  Last but not the least, at times they make you suffer like they had in their childhood.

Please, note that I’m not writing this out of frustration, or any prejudices. These are solely my observations and my point of view. Anybody is free to agree/disagree, but the above mentioned points are my take on parenting.

There are parents who are totally opposite to the above mentioned points and these are the ones who tend to be great role models for their kids.


Wednesday, March 15, 2017


I have spent most of my time today cleaning and dusting. The major festival is around the corner hence I’m supposed to drop in and do some chores that would help people around me. And the amount of physical strength needed for this particular task is so exhausting. I’m not able to type the letters here, literally.

Before being run out of energy, I had milk and biscuits simultaneously read a few pages of a book before nose-diving into the cleaning ceremony. There’s so much of cleaning that needed to be done, at the end of it I just felt like fainting.

I didn’t even think that I’ll be able to switch on to my laptop and write down my feelings today, Not at all, because the way my body is aching is utter torture. And I am disturbed by some devastating news as well.

I’m just planning to accept everything that life throws to me, that’s the only way to stay sane and spread happiness. Again I’m preparing myself for the worse of situations at this stage in my life. What do I believe? Whom do I need to trust? Everything has now turned into a hazy scenario. I can neither see it properly nor can walk it without any assumptions. The assumptions I’m talking about are the ones that can make or break you as a person.

Life is precious; we hardly recognize it unless one of dear ones are preparing to welcome the inevitable. It’s scaring and yet liberating.


Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Constant Pain

Almost every day I wake up with a deep pain in my chest. I need to unburden myself; I’ll have to tell them what’s on my mind. I think that’s the only way out, no matter how many times I contemplate about other ways all those seem to be ineffective. Am I courageous enough? Can I stand up for myself?

These questions haunt my very being, and hence that pain comes back to me in various forms. When I sit down in the chair curled up with a book in my lad there are zillion things that are making their way in to my brain. After a while, I feel exhausted and utterly drained out.

Will I be able to live my life on my own terms? That is something I try to answer every day. I need to focus and in order to be more focused today I started doodling. It started from a very hesitant note but then when the confidence grew and the paper could witness various forms emerging I could only feel the awe, wonder and excitement!

So, it’s better to create something with your own hands, the pleasure that it provides is just so fulfilling and peaceful. I believe I have to do this more often, create and then celebrate it. However small it may be just give it a shot. You never know how you’re going to surprise yourself.

And please don’t de-motivate yourself, it’s free everywhere you’ll get it even without being asked!

Do yourself favor, love yourself, the imagination that you have. All the small things that make you happy, are worth doing.


Monday, March 13, 2017

Clicking and Coughing

I busied myself clicking several pictures of my surroundings and managed to upload them on Shutterstock, the day has been productive somehow. I’m glad that it did. The first half of my day went into clearing the scrap of one of our rooms, and the moment I finished it I realized that my coughing cycle came back uninvited.

And for the most of my day, I am trying to fight off this terrible cough that just makes me exhausted and at the same time nauseous. I sipped Benadryl now and then, it gives a relief but doesn’t take away the problem altogether.

I googled a bit about photographers being successful on Shutterstock and earning money from it. It’s not easy to make money from shutterstock; there is a LONG way to do that. It would need at least of some 800+ pictures available in your portfolio with the right key words and model release.

I’m still yet to wrap my head around the model release thing; I understood that if you’re putting up pictures of a person then no matter what we have to submit the model release form. I think I might take some more time to understand it.

The form which has to be filled by us in order to release the pictures of people is available on their website. I haven’t celebrated Holi, I never did. My mother does the usual prayers and stuff but we stay away from coloring each other. Probably that’s why I don’t see any colors coming into my life!


Sunday, March 12, 2017

My Singing Endeavours

These days I’m listening to this particular song by Ayushmann Khurana, titled ‘O Heeriye’. It’s amazing! I love all of his songs; it’s just sounds so innocent and straight from the heart. It’s like someone singing just for the joy if it rather than to get famous or make money. I am a very poor singer, heck I’m really bad at it. I know it, because when I was in my school in eight standard we had a singing competition. I enrolled enthusiastically, practiced a Telugu song which was ‘The Trend’ back then.

I walked up to the mike and started singing, gleefully and from the faces of my listeners I saw that they too enjoyed it. But then the mike stopped in the midway, I thought it will get back up and running but from the corner of my eye I could see that it was switched off purposefully and a teacher saying ‘No movie songs, we told you’ and she just shrugged.

God, I felt ashamed, hanged my head in disappointment and walked back. The thing that stuck with me that I tried, not this one instance but later on in college as well I enrolled and sang. This time too I saw that I don’t have that spark in me; maybe I was trying too much to sound like someone else all this while.

Isn’t true for our lives as well? You feel this inadequacy creeping in; you’re frustrated most of the time, even stressed because you’re so hard on yourself trying to be someone else entirely?


Saturday, March 11, 2017

Persistence wants to persist

Today when I took an accidental nap I had these weird dreams. Dreams, where in I was doing, you know something that is just not usual. When I woke up I tried to remember it as clearly as possible but it came back in bits and pieces. Fragmented like parts of jigsaw puzzle, and I am confused as to which comes where.

I think every day, now that I’ve quit my job, there are so many other things that I am coming across – demons inside me are unleashed and they’re creating chaos. The memories are putting on their mischievous acts; their antics are just so tiring. Apart from that my day went pretty well.

I had clicked few pictures of my surroundings, and I’ll be soon uploading them on Shutterstock. I’m trying to build my portfolio on Shutterstock, slowly but surely. It all boils to persistence, because what I thought was the best photographs were taken by me were rejected outright. I had no clue, but then I began reading their blog and got to know some of the things that they are looking forward to.

I have no experience as a photographer at all; it’s just been my interest to try my hand at it. Curiosity … Jai Ho!

 I started writing a short story to enter a competition and its deadline is 15thof this month. I’ve written some six hundred words and now I’m kind of stuck. I think perhaps my dreams will answer them for me and let me complete the story. That’s not the end at all; one has to again sit through the process of editing and adding lots of stuff into it in order to make it a worthy story that can grab your readers’ attention.


Friday, March 10, 2017

Go Get a Life

Few things are just impossible to change, like behavior of yours that drives away people from your life, and when this behavior is so often it is seen as arrogance, when all you’re planning is to keep away from negative people as far as possible. You are judged, insulted and what not.

You are praised as Goddess, since you’ve arrived in a family to bless it and make everyone financially stable. But when you hit puberty and are on your periods, the same people tell you to not touch or come closer to them. They wince and turn away, sprinkling turmeric mixed water on their head and entire body so that they once again become pure and pious.

There will be times when the depth of your neckline of a particular dress is discussed and decided accordingly. You’re not being told anything about intercourse but there will be lots of expectations from everyone about when you should have babies and how many times you need to satisfy your husband without neglecting as there will be fear of losing his interest in you.

You’re told from the beginning of your life that you’re not at all supposed to be ambitious; it will only make your life worse. You cannot get married if you have high ambitions and are after them day and night. It’s not boys who ogle at you, but the other girls because they have already made up what it is like to be a girl. Lower your hopes, they say. There’s not much to envy them at all, at the end their lives cannot be more different than yours.

Your academic performance doesn’t matter, it hardly does anything in your life due to the chaotic background which yells and screams making you feel guilty all the time for not having a personal life. Go get a life girl!


Thursday, March 9, 2017

The Art of Being Normal

Today was spent on trying to complete reading a book, though I couldn’t complete it I’m satisfied with the way I pushed myself to read for such a long time. I’m not really exhausted now but instead trying to get together the characters and the plot twists for a short story I’m planning to write. Planning to write does not equal to writing at all!

Again I’m thinking to paint but that is not happening as well. I must admit that sitting at home has only made me lazy and I’m always dozing since it’s summer all I do is take numerous naps in between, but that’s not how I have imagined my writing struggle would consist of. Nope, not at all.
So that’s the reason I’ve pushed so hard to complete reading the book. The book is titled ‘The Art of Being Normal’ by Lisa Williamson; the main theme in the book is about the sexual identity issues which would eventually creep in to the lives of the teenagers and young adults.

I haven’t had much problem with recognizing my sexual orientation; it’s the Bollywood movies that I grew up watching pretty much shaped the way I should fancy a person and all that. I could see that I like girls around me too, because of their fashion sense and intelligence but I haven’t had the urge to get dating them or stuff like that. I was fine having crushes on boys in my school days, and admiring or adoring girls.

I think it’s a very personal and sensitive issue that has to be dealt in a careful manner. Though it may seem atrocious to you and are personally against it, I would say just live and let live. The more you try to have control on certain things the more it seems to go wrong.


Wednesday, March 8, 2017


I think today is going to be a memorable one, partly because I was able to click some really interesting photographs and then opening up to a person I truly care for. Well, today was the day I had a meaningful conversation in long time with someone.

And in the last post I mentioned that I was watching a movie called ‘Split’, I had to tell that it was an amazing movie! I think Night Shyamalan is someone who thinks differently and in a peculiar sort of way.

When I saw ‘Sixth Sense’, I was blown away by the way the story was told. So when I saw the similar name appear again I felt I could really look forward to this one too. It didn’t disappoint me, I must admit though I’ve heard of split personalities and all. I have, before seen a movie called ‘Aparichitudu’ in the similar lines. The concept didn’t seem too surprising.

However, the way it has been executed was intense and I like the way it has been done. It’s about the protagonist who has twenty-three identities, who are poles apart and in the end there’s another identity that forms. This last identity is called beast, and trust me he lives up to that.

In the end I was thrilled and had goose bumps on my body. As I’m these words my eyes are itchy and aching, it’s probably because of the way I had been all day. In this experimenting phase, I have signed up for a website called ‘HomeShiksha’ that helps students or parents to find home tutors. I’m new to teaching but I believe that right amount of grit and perseverance is the key to becoming a really good tutor.

I’m open to all the opportunities that would eventually help me grow. Writing, Photography, Teaching, Learning a lot about the excel program of Micorsoft package etc. my focus, at the moment is to write short stories that are worth reading and remembering.


Tuesday, March 7, 2017


All this day I’ve been sulking because I didn’t go to the part-time job opportunity that I wanted to take up. I had been discouraged, and then I thought about it and I figured it’s really logical. Taking up this part time opportunity will end to be just like the full time one because of the travelling that I had to do.

I deactivated my Facebook account long back but these days I seem to activate it for a while and snoop around a lot. I started looking at my friends, I’m not in touch with, to see what they’re doing in their lives. How happy they are and stuff like that.

And I could see that I’m turning in to a very jealous person that I am basically not. What can I do sitting at home? I’m doing a lot of reading and occasional writing (not seriously though). I’ve begun learning Excel-2007 right from the scratch and I think it will help me some way or the other.

I believe that whatever we learn is never going to in vain. I think this is one core belief of mine that truly helps me in living my life. Another photograph that I clicked got approved on shutterstock and I’m happy about. Slowly but surely I’m building my shutterstock profile. I need to work on the other photos that got rejected.

I’m worried about my mood swings a lot these days, and I also worry about others who are close to me. I’ll have to take utmost care while dealing with other people.

I’m being lazy in the mornings and the afternoon, but the evenings and nights seemed to be filled with lots of ideas and I do feel energized. I think I’m a night owl, works for me if I’m creating/writing/painting that are worth my time and effort.

I started watching the movie ‘Split’, and just writing in between. The movie seems similar to the one that I saw in my regional language titled ‘Aparichitudu’, the protagonist here in the Indian version has only three identities while the English movie has twenty three.

I am really attracted to the psychological thrillers, the twists and the turns are the life line. Alright, then let me get on with watching it. Perhaps, I might discuss in detail about it tomorrow.


Monday, March 6, 2017

Luka and the Fire of Life

Today has been quite adventurous, I must say. Because though I couldn’t manage to all of the things that I wanted to do but I’m satisfied with what I had done so far. I got a part time opportunity which I think would help me to be financially independent and at the same time give me some time to explore other things. I want to try our different things in my life, writing being one of those things.
What are the other things that I want to try out?
Learning swimming, Driving a four wheeler, arts and crafts side that would help me retain my creative side alive and bursting with energy.

I also like acting and getting into the skin of another person altogether is so much exciting and gives you so much rush about life. Photography, of course is one of my many favorite things in the whole world. I completed reading ‘Luka and the Fire of Life’ by Salman Rushdie and I found the book very intriguing and engaging, it’s the journey of a twelve year old Luka, who successfully in the end saves his dying father.

The way he steps into a magical world and from there on the decisions he takes and allies he forms are portrayed in a way people couldn’t stop thinking about the author being so imaginative. Right from the description of time and long lost Gods to the wise carpet given by King Solomon, it was a wonderful tale indeed. A must read for all, no hindrances of age and other criteria to match before you choose this book.


Sunday, March 5, 2017

Inkling of a Smartphone possesion

To buy or not to buy a smart phone is the question I’m asking myself these days, back to back. In 2016, I gave up smart phone usage as I felt that I should train myself to live without it and that has been successful so far. So, why do I need one at this moment? Well, I figured there are so many usages of it, wasn’t I aware of all those earlier? Yes, I was.

When I heaved a big sigh of relief and shouted a hurrah that I can now totally live without a smart phone. Yet, I cannot deny the benefits of it. When I’ll be out on the road figuring some location which I got no clue about and if there is no one in sight I think it is then your smart phone will come into picture like a savior of some long lost genie.

The moment you rub (touch) your little lamp (smartphone), you could see plethora of things at your disposal. From the booking of cabs to reporting anything wrong with the behavior of people, the little lamp in your hand is going to help.

I think now I can seriously handle the getting addicted to your smartphone syndrome and use it purposefully and for a specific purpose only.

Will I buy? Of course I’m planning to but would go for a cheaper one as it is not going to be something that has to be really fancy and life consuming. Currently, I’m on the lookout for a mobile which serves me right and doesn’t take away my life.


Saturday, March 4, 2017

You Know That, Don't you?

All that I could do today was just sit and think about my life, my future! I don’t even know why but these days I think I’ve become paranoid about life itself. And then I stumbled upon a Ted Talk about what I have learnt from reading obituaries by Lux Narayan and it was small, crisp yet interesting.

One thing leads to another and in no time I started thinking about death and all. At times, I want to explore death and come back to normal life. I know, it’s not possible but just think of it happening! Like I could go and enjoy the picnic and come fall back on the routine.

It’s a tumultuous phase, you know that you don’t know what you want yet you put a brave face. You know that you aren’t really sure of fitting in and getting along at a new place yet you put a brave smile on your lips. You know people are totally against you and your ideology yet you put your best foot forward, you know you feel like giving up on the person you love yet you want it so badly to work out because you think of a future with him/her.

You know you wonder if forgiveness will come naturally to you but you do try to forgive others. You know you’re now being an ass-**** not standing up for what you believe in and yet you sit and stare.

You know so many things, but are afraid of trying, no you’re afraid of failing, no you’re afraid of making yourself a fool in front of others.

You know that, don’t you?


Friday, March 3, 2017

Figuring Out Many Ways.

Today was fun and productive, I got to meet a person who is unique in her own way. I think I need to be more specific about the way I want to contribute. It could be in a team or individually, but I’ll have to restore that confidence in myself first and then probably I could help others do the same.

What are the things that I’m looking forward to? I’m looking forward to grow as a person and in the process learn and hone my skills. Hmm…. Is it really that vague? I don’t know. Perhaps, a bit more of introspection would give me the answers.

I’m currently loving this phase of experimenting, even earlier I was without job and wanted to explore but was too scared thinking about “What others will say?” but now, I think I’m more mature.

And other thing that I’ve realized is that someone, who I thought to be careless, turns out to be a caring and kind person. I’ve been misunderstanding this person, I think I need to be more mature enough and look through people. What will make me happy at this point of time in my life?
*Hanging out with good people.
*Doing this that I love. (Reading, Writing, Painting and Photography)
*Figuring out ways to support myself, via other means.
*Taking it slow this time to enjoy life meanwhile I live.
*Pushing myself, making myself uncomfortable yet learning.
*Saying NO to things which are not contributing to my overall well-being.


Thursday, March 2, 2017

My photo is online on Shutterstock!

Please do click the below link to view the image which I photographed that is accepted by Shutterstock today.

My photograph online on Shutterstock

The Image I clicked viewing in a separate tab

If you're unable to view the pic, please go to and type the keywords "Deepavali or Diwali" and then choose new. You can see a photo wherein the lamp is exhausted and is on the wall, sitting there idly and the background is the chaotic dried out tree which has been cut down long back.

I think this the best thing that has happened to me today. I did upload few pictures earlier as well, but all of them got rejected because of some or the other reason, and then I uploaded this picture without even expecting anything out of it and voila it gets accepted!

From now on I think I can give my best and try my level best to click photographs that are really worthy of a look.I mean all the pros get accepted into the Shutterstock and other websites I believe, since my pic got accepted I think I've that spark in me. I might not be a pro, then's Shutterstock right?

So, I'll have to line up all the other pictures that I've been clicking in the recent times and who knows what they might like?

My photograph is online. That's just an amazing feeling I must say, I feel like I'm over the moon now, but then there's a long way to go before I start putting out the extraordinary stuff out there.

Thanks for making my day Shutterstock!


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Writing, Typing, Thinking, Dreaming......

“Since I have quit my job for the second time, I'm beginning to slow down a little bit. So I wake up at around 9:00 am and then straight away observe the way my mom is cooking food, while I try to help her with chores. After that, I brush and have my breakfast, which usually consists of two large Bananas and a big cup of milk that fills my tummy literally. Then the day goes by me trying to read, write and day dream. 
In my dreams, I see that all my insecurities and anxieties take a very different form to scare me again!”
This is what I wrote as an independent assignment to one of the courses that I’ve signed up for online. I think this course is really helpful for non-native speakers of English and want to write stories, that they’ve been putting off due to hindrances that are surmountable.
Stories- aren’t these the ones which make our lives interesting? They’ve got this amazing power to create worlds out of thin air and yet seem so real.
I’m out of job and while typing the words I could sense that the speed has decreased due to not practicing regularly. On the job I would take typing tests everyday to make myself better. And if you at least start practicing even ten minutes every day, in the long run it’s going to have a stupendous effect on your performance.
I must say though, that desktop typing is different than the one that you do on your laptop. If you really are a beginner, I suggest starting off from the desktop typing.
Once you’re perfect in handling the desktop version, the laptop is going to be a cake walk.