Saturday, January 23, 2016

What Do I Feel Now


I feel so low, I’m going crazy from within and lately I have been toying with the idea of death on my mind. I want to cry out for a reason I’m not aware of, I just want to sleep and never wake up again. I guess this is what depression is all about; you’re helpless and not aware of any specific reason that is making you restless and helpless. It’s not just a mood swing like people make it out to be. It is much more than that.

So, for me writing about it is the only way I can trace out of how it all began in the very first place. No matter what, when I look back all I see is a girl who was a loner from the very beginning of her life, I am now 22 and lost all hope on life. I have now become a cynic who would taunt people in my mind but be nice to them outwards; and absolute hypocrite I am.

How do I explain my situation to others who think I ought to be happy given my financial situation or my education qualification which so many in the world long for but seldom get. Fine I agree that I ought to be happy but there’s a wound inside my heart which made the nearby area very sensitive. So sensitive that when being pricked all it could think of is to die or rather wish someone was dead.

It’s a situation that when explained people don’t understand because it offends their opinions and beliefs. I always long for things which should’ve been ‘Let-go’ rather than stuck with. I crave for the forbidden stuff, I look for the ugly side of anything and criticize it in my mind and then in front of others I seem to be sensitive, thoughtful and caring! I am that.

When it has been a really long time that I cried I tend to imagine a tragedy and cry myself to sleep. Some I make up and some which happened long time back. I think someone to be dead and tell myself that I need to cry for their funeral, at times I cry remembering the way someone treated me or a nasty comment made against me. Currently I don’t know what to do about my life, it all seems a waste of time and I think of throwing myself under a lorry or any other vehicle just like that. Trust me, it’s a scary thought and I’m living it every day. What’s my condition called? Severe depression? Normal Depression? I got no clue.

Recently, I read a book called ‘Life is what you make it’ by Preeti Shenoy, it was about a girl who had bipolar disorder and surprisingly I could relate myself to that character pretty well. The symptoms have been like frequent mood swings and becoming aggressive without any understandable reason.

I do want to write some short stories but at the moment I am unable to do so. I have lost all the interest in my life and right now I just long for …something meaningful which would be giving me the happiness I need and at the same time engage me productively. Coming to my relationship, it isn’t as good as it is supposed to be. I don’t see any sense in being in this when I know the result would be more unhappiness. The passion which I felt in the beginning now dwindled into nothingness, maybe I lose interest in people quite easily. I seriously am not a fit-in-relationship person; I see it as a very stupid thing now.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Loosing Control

It feels as if I have lost almost everything. May be I'm over thinking, am I?