Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Suchitra V/s Chirutsa

It was in the beginning when I was contemplating about starting a blog that I felt I should have a pen name. Something like a shell that could protect me from people who are reading my thoughts via my written word, and that's how I coined the word 'Chirutsa'.

'Chirutsa' is an anagram of my name 'Suchitra' and there were so many other names that I could coin from my real name! But I chose this because:

1. It sounded neutral. Not giving any hint about my gender.
2. I thought it is keeping my real name hidden but at the same time connected to it.

Then this happened:

 http://madavikutty-readerspost.blogspot.in/2015/06/random-poems-by-suchithra.html

It's a blog dedicated to Kamala Das, whose autobiography I read in my last year of Bachelor's degree. The Librarian didn't lend it to me on my library card so had to sit in the library after college to read it. I just felt an instant connection with the author and got to know more about her life through her autobiography at the same time some information that I found on the internet.

I found this blog dedicated to her and the respective author, who started it was asking for some poetry entries to be published onto the blog. And I sent mine without expecting anything, because I saw them being published few months later when I was checking out the blogs that I follow.

When it was mentioned as 'Chirutsa' I felt good but at the same time a bit suffocated that my original na'ME' is missing. I quickly changed my blogger profile name to reflect my original name, I realised I don't need a pen name at all. It was just like that first infatuation that fades away.

Is Chirutsa still there? I think so. But Suchitra for now and ever will do.

©Suchitra- 2016

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

August is here ( Day - 30 & 31)

My second and third day at work have been quite productive but there is still a little bit of confusion left in dealing with various departments.

Though I might not work at a very impressive company, I believe starting here would be beneficial. In future if there's a need to start all over again I wouldn't be so scared and can deal with it.

I'm in the process of loving my work and still exploring what is that I can do for the rest of my life.

©Suchitra- 2016

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

August is here (Day - 29)

On the very first day of my work I have been to the marriage ceremony of my CEO's daughter, and met an actor there.

Well not exactly meeting but saw him from such close proximity that without being aware I was excited. Seeing him on the screen and off screen I just realised no matter what, we all just come from the same source.

Later on I had thought about my small dream about acting. Yes, I have this dream of acting and theatre but I'm not going forward because what my family would say about it.

Acting is exciting, to get under someone else's skin and come alive in that is just so surreal!

Maybe somewhere in future I might venture into this domain. Meanwhile I would do my homework about acting and hone my skills :-)

©Suchitra- 2016

Sunday, August 28, 2016

August is here (Day-28)

Another job is going to begin from tomorrow, and this time I have just made up my mind that I got to be focused on what I'm doing. Well, I would give my best and see what happens. Though I was sad and a little disappointed on the way things were unfolding in my life, I'm still positive about the way my life would turn in to.

Perhaps after having that direct brush with death I'm knocked into my senses now, it feels like everything is about death. Death now intrigues me and mesmerizing me into believing the magic lay beyond it. Isn't it fascinating?

People have written about their experiences and opinions about what exactly would take place after we die. It still remains as an unexplored area though it's been debated about time and again. I don't know how far it is true but they say that your entire life flashes in front of you before dying. What my aunt must have gone through? I got no clue.

I think she knew her time was up for I could see in her eyes, and all she was asking repeatedly in this period was to have a get together with all the relatives attending it. I have now a deep respect for death because it doesn't discriminate and treats everyone equally.

The morning when I was getting ready to attend my aunt's funeral I saw a bird in the veranda, it sat there and when I approached, it moved away a little but its body was not co-operating at all. Its wings were also not in a position to life it up. I took the bird inside because there is threat outside due to the cats, and fed few drops of water, it stuck out its tongue and I was so happy that it is responding and will be fine in a matter of few days. After sucking few drops it attempted again to hop and fly a little, that was it's last attempt.

It died in front of my eyes, literally in my hands. I'm still getting used to death, at times in between so much of hope, death can come across as a very bad and mean thing but that's what life is all about, how well you welcome death.

©Suchitra- 2016

Saturday, August 27, 2016

August is here (Day-27)

Today I'm a little less scared about death, though it made me numb I'm able to accept it. Earlier I would not really give it serious thought but today I realised that it is as common as taking breath.

In a way it is so liberating, and all confusion would be set at rest. Watching my aunt closely today I felt guilty for not staying with her when she asked me to, I do miss her when I look back.

Again death has given me a different outlook about life.

Friday, August 26, 2016

August is here (Day-26)

So much has happened today!

Do I even have words to describe?

I don't think so.

Life is a mess, honestly you don't know what will be coming your way. And by the time you realise, things would have taken an ugly turn.

I'm forgetting to be happy. What's happening?

Thursday, August 25, 2016

August is here (Day-25)

Alright! I missed one day’s blog post. It is so embarrassing when I vowed to myself that I’ll be writing each and every day in August. My birthday was absolute crap; I made it that way with my own hands. Every birthday I start off crying I don’t know why but that’s how it’s been going. I have quit my job for the third time. It’s frustrating and freeing at the same time.

I am not against of startups but the thing with startups is every damn person is starting it with so much suspicion. I understand that startup is a risky venture but you cannot on board people by telling in front of them that the negative experiences they had previously.

Startup should imbibe this exciting atmosphere but the day I began my job, I got to know the bad experiences about the existing employees and that’s a big put off. Getting a job isn’t hard but getting the right one and the one in which you’ll be happy and prosperous (Salary can be adjusted given the atmosphere is pleasant enough).

Yes, I do believe that we shouldn’t settle for less but what I’m coming across is MNC’s seem to be way too judgmental and the small companies are looking for someone who would do all the works in a ridiculously less pay.

So what’s next for me? I’m calming myself down. I cried like hell on my birthday, got irritated when people wished me. When I woke up yesterday in the morning I saw chocolates filled in the chair beside me, a very lovely gesture done by my brother but I haven’t acknowledged it properly, because we had a fight earlier and I was hurt.

My mom scolded me saying being so negative on my birthday wouldn’t do any good and linked my unhappiness to my job. When she was the one who made me quit and now whatever job I took it isn’t lasting long enough making me restless and pathetic.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

August is here (Day - 23 & 24)

It's such a shame that I didn't blog yesterday, I just postponed it the moment it came to my mind a couple of times and busied myself watching a movie.

And at the end I missed writing it by sheer exhaustion at the end of the day. Now when I woke up I suddenly remembered, this August my aim was to write everyday and I missed yesterday, Damn!

So today I'm going to blog twice. It's morning here at my place and I'm writing from mobile. At the end if the day I shall write again.

And today is my birthday, but I'm not feeling special at all though my brother laid out chocolates on the chair for me.


Monday, August 22, 2016

August is here (Day-22)

Morning when I was on my way to work I saw this old couple who were waiting for a particular bus and chatting. The bus came and the old man went ahead and talking to the driver about the route the bus is going to take, his better half followed him and while she was getting on to the road from the bus stop she stumbled over the radium lights which are fitted on the roads for guiding vehicles at night.

I saw her getting shaky when her leg was on the radium light and felt she would come out of it, but no she rolled on to the ground. I stood there; it happened in a split second everyone came to lift her. The only thing her eyes were searching for was her husband. No matter how many people came beside to help her she just didn’t accept any of those.

There was a minor bruise at her eyebrow, which at first I thought was her bindhi smeared. It was bleeding and crimson drops were being soaked into the Tar road, I am really surprised by my behavior. I didn’t feel sad at all, nor was it indifference it was just some sort of observation I was doing. Of course people would spit on my face because instead of helping her I stood there like a dumb person and let others do the stuff.

Well, let me tell you one thing. If others were there to help or not it wouldn’t have really mattered to those two people because they had each other and it was all the couple was looking forward to. I didn’t feel sad for her nor was it my carelessness for other beings I just became an observer.
Others offered to take them to the hospital, they denied and held each other’s hand while the husband dabbed the bruise with his hand kerchief. A random auto arrived; they got in and left the bus stop.

I still stood there thinking about it. Was I being indifferent?

Why am I not feeling any pain these days? I am letting go of others pain. What have I become? I got no clue!


Sunday, August 21, 2016

August is here (Day -21)

There are no rains here, Hyderabad has become so hot!

And it is irking my emotions even more, at least if had been cool I would have been calm. But it's all just my wishful thinking that cannot alter the things which I am not really liking.

My new job is not something that I want to do for a very long time. I will update on what all has been happening at my work place.

For now I'm heading to my relatives home for Rakhi celebrations. Yes, it has been delayed....due to unavailability of one of my uncles.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

August is here (Day - 20)

The sadness is still there, and the gloominess persists even now. The peacefulness that I crave for, has been pretty elusive for me as usual.

I don't know what to say or what to think about. My life is just going now like a boat rocking on the water, that has got no direction neither any meaning.

I guess I need some sound sleep. And I'm going to sleep.... a little bit hesitant to wake up after that. But I know I will.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

August is here (Day-18)

Well, well…well again the insecurities creep in and I just have my hesitations and apprehensions back in my mind. I’M NOT GOING TO QUIT, but conditions apply. I think people give me the account of their experiences, I should just relax and let go of it some of the times.

Pic Source from Google


I do get tensed if the company I’m working for turns out to be a fake one. I seriously don’t know if the choices I’m making are the correct ones, I’m just following my instincts. And messed up quite a lot doing it, today while coming home I just looked back on my struggle and felt like I have seen so much! Right from flirtatious interviewers to the mean Managers and all sorts of stuff. I think all these experiences have made me shrewder than what I was earlier.


I have to keep going, it’s better than sitting at home and being bored to death.

Pic Source from Google

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

August is here (Day -17)

Photos, photos and more photos.
My legs embalmed with turmeric during Vara Lakshmi Vratham.

A lovely dress with matching accessories.

A butterfly at home, which was in it's last stage, because it didn't have enough energy to stop me from coming nearer to it.

A soya chunks dish. I love eating soya!

Lotus pond @ Banjara Hills 

At my past company 

At home, the staircase that leads to terrace area.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

August is here (Day-16)

First day at work and there is so much to learn. I’m just not planning to quit like I did earlier, I should probably persevere this time for it has got opportunities in it. I easily gave up the past jobs because they were not that engaging, this one seems to be not like the earlier ones.

Still, I’m not expecting like I said earlier the more I expect the more I get hurt. Even today when content was asked, I just didn’t jump into it right away. I think I should go slowly in order to understand each and everything properly.

The more I rush the easier I lose interest. My day has been quite productive since I got to know few things and how it goes on in a start-up. I also started making mental notes about how to go on and bring order into the place. It won’t happen in a day or in a fortnight, it is going to take some time and I must have a little patience.

I would like to contribute to this start-up and help it grow, they have few vendors and some tie – ups on place. I’ll have to work on the team building aspect of it, so it will be of my responsibility what kind of people I’m trying to bring in.

Of course I do not have anything against having some fun at workplace but the center of attraction should always be the work we are involved in. I’m looking forward to see what challenges I face along the way and to get to know many more things about a real scenario business.

If I have to set up a business, what would it be?    
                             
I don’t know as of now, may be something that I can do for the rest of my life.   

Monday, August 15, 2016

August is here (Day-15)

Happy Independence Day India!

We are on our way, doing whatever we can, to be the best version of the former self. There is a long way to go, I agree but there is optimism. And from tomorrow onward I’m going to my job at the start up, I’m trying to control my emotions lest they do more harm than good.

Well that’s how the cycle goes, I get an offer, imagine so many things about it, start day-dreaming and thinking about the future where I’ll be in some hi-fi position. Ten days into the job, I feel stuck and frustrated. This happened many a times, the offer slipped my hands and I went into depression because I expected so much out of it.

The same applies in our personal lives as well. I tell myself a million times that I’m not going to expect anything, in mid way however, we start something called ‘would they?’ that is, “Would they do that for me?” irrespective of what they in reality will do, we imagine and imagine till we exhaust ourselves so much that, when it won’t happen according to our imagination it erupts in the form of frustration.

I’m keeping a check on my expectations that I don’t ruin my life. I have had my share of it, a lot of it I should say. Not managing my expectations had cost me my peace.

I recently came across a TEd talk by Priya Parker: “How to quit your Life and Reboot it” a very interesting talk about aligning what people exactly want to that of market opportunities. It has opened my eyes, there are people who just don’t like their jobs at all but still associated with it, the interesting part comes when Priya explains how we can get out of that feeling and find something meaningful to do with our lives.




  

Sunday, August 14, 2016

August is here (Day-14)

I have just completed reading ‘Such a Long Journey’ by Rohinton Mistry, another good book. Actually this one is his first, and all I could think was when you write more your later work, that is, the latest one is usually the best. Started watching some videos on Coursera, the courses for which I enrolled long back.

Earlier when I joined Coursera newly all the courses were absolutely free and now after a really long gap when I log in and see each and every thing is priced. I’m not that impressed with the way things have changed, back then right after completing a certificate I would get ‘Statement of Accomplishment’ but now? Nothing!

Now you won’t even get a chance to participate in peer reviews or complete the assignment which counts towards the completion. They’ve come up with something called Specializations, where in you’ll find a group of courses bundled together, if you want you can pay for each course as you go or pay right away and then begin learning.

That’s way too commercializing, isn’t it?

All I’m doing is just watching the videos and learning but never completing any course or receiving any certificate. What to do? I don’t have so much money, but I have ample of time to sit and learn like crazy. My financial situation currently cannot help quench my thirst for knowledge. Money, I think is important and would help you in the circumstances you need it the most; we really need not hate it.

Okay, I admit I do get jealous when people are quite well off. Even I want to be able to take care of myself financially, and invest in knowledge as much as possible. Currently, I’m in a phase where I’m experimenting a lot, trying things, jobs and my interests.

Nothing seems to work out for me, at the same time there is this simple madness inside my being which just asks me trust in everything I do.


I do.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

August is here (Day-13)

I attended two interviews today, one at Banjara Hills and another at Shaikpet. I got the Banjara Hills one. It’s not exactly into Human Resources as such but the concept itself that has excited me, and the work timings are quite flexible. All in all a good one, apart from salary, which they said would be incremented once I complete my probation period. Well, not a bad deal I thought. 

It’s a start up and I’ll be supporting it, I just think I’ll have to go with it. Because, a start up would teach you so many things and there would be scope to learn and improve myself a lot, of course I need not follow a set methodology. This time around I’m keeping my expectations very low, and I’m really not over the moon. Let’s just see, how well I can fit into this role and how well this could bring out the best in me.

Just now, before logging in to write my blog I saw a TED talk given by Jan Jondai. A really good one I should say for he explains about life and why the hell we make it so complicated. I would like to give a suggestion here, no offence but please turn on the captions on YouTube while watching because you might not comprehend it otherwise.

The key take away from this talk would be to keep it simple. Fashion? Chuck that! We can never keep up with it and he beautifully says “If I buy a thing that I like but not needed at all, then I’m making a mistake”. How many of us really think that before spending our money when shopping?
Do watch this Ted talk; it would really make you think of that extra stuff you bought because there was dumb fifty percent off.




It’s high time we stop all this “acquiring” madness. 

Friday, August 12, 2016

August is here (Day-12)

Today is ‘Vara Lakshmi Vratham’, to make a literal translation it’s praying the Goddess of wishes, who would bestow all her blessings. Since I’m always sulking even today I did because I have lost both the job offers in a split second, lost all, everything and I’m really tired of hoping something much better would come my way.

Hope and despair are playing hide and seek with me. No one is either assuring me nor anything is being made sure, all this seems like my life can just vanish in thin air just like that.

At such crucial times, I think of my belief in God, the super-power which can grant you anything and everything.  Do I believe? Yes. Am I an atheist? May be. My confusion is very prevalent, I mean we believe in God when everything is going according to our plan and start wondering about the same super power when all our plans are crashed.

We wail and cry about the things which just don’t seem to be ours anymore but so much we have hoped for at one instance, the extreme level of obsession for something that would not be ours anymore, the amount of time we spent weaving our thoughts over that something, the daydreaming which we did so easily.

All this would crumble down when you get to know that it won’t be yours anymore, the strangest of all feelings I think then would be realizing it was never meant for you.

Oh that silly thing! You can say and wave your hand in the air and hope something better would come your way. And the game would begin again of weaving your thoughts over this new something and the pattern repeats again and again till you lose interest in hoping forever.


Hope at times could be such a B***h. 

Thursday, August 11, 2016

August is here (Day-11)

Well, if you’ve read my last blog post it isn’t exactly betrayal but lack of communication. I cannot blame him nor can I say I just misunderstood him, I just feel at loss. And today when I went back to my ex-employer to discuss about an opportunity though it isn’t my profile I thought I can look forward to it. But all I got there was disappointment.

Travelling is a big concern for me, and when I say that I mean it. That doesn’t in any case make me someone who is lazy to work or not at all interested, I have traveled and struggled a lot and I know what it takes to get to my place from work. There were times when I would wonder if I’d reach my home or not.

Honestly, I’m tired of explaining it to the interviewers. Everyone are just so stuck up in their shell, I guess even I come under the same category but at least I’m empathetic. Human Resources job is that of more into psychology that is, frankly put you’re there to judge people irrespective of what were their experiences in life. It doesn’t deal with what exactly they’ve been through, and the vagaries of life that affected them. It’s just about what is that you think about them in this moment.

I do think a lot about how prejudiced I was earlier and even now partially I am. This is something which we inculcate at a very young age, and it grows with us but we hardly ever think about it. Judging is good because it lets you to save yourself from falling into the company of life-sucking people but being way to judgmental can cost you some wonderful friendships, ever pondered over that aspect?


I guess I’ll make it a point to be less judgmental from now on. Hope I succeed in my endeavor. 

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

August is here (Day-10)

Betrayal! I have been let down. I thought that offer is confirmed and I can stop my job searching but in the last moment I lost it. The person who made an offer stopped responding to my calls and messages; all I feel at this moment is utter betrayal.

I just cried the whole night, and woke up with an ache in my heart. Why do people do this? They can just tell it to my face that I don’t deserve it and I’ll understand but why this hide and seek? I’m not really unhappy about this offer skipping my hands but it’s just sadness of loss of trust. I gave up an offer and stopped searching for another opportunity just because I completely trusted someone and he broke it.

I cannot describe this feeling at all, it is so painful. When you’re not going to hire me, why throw a carrot at my side? An awful experience this is, just pathetic. I’m controlling myself lot, he postponed my joining date a lot but still I kept patient and this is what I’m rewarded with. This is the worst a job seeker can experience.

Why…O….Why?

One failure reminds me of all the others, and all the decisions that I took which just sucked. I feel so lost, where did I go wrong? Did I try way too much to get into this one? What happened? He said I’m the right candidate and I have all the qualities. What went wrong? What made him change his mind at the last moment? I’m so perplexed. I just said I’m not positive about the offer anymore because of so much delay when you say it’s a priority base position to be filled.


I might sound like I’m overreacting but it’s just like all my hopes have dwindled down to dust.

©Suchitra- 2016

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

August is here (Day-9)

After a really long day I sat down to write my blog. I just cooked soya chunks fry and it turned out to be tasty, but my mom thought it was just red chili powder and salt, well I don’t know about her but for me it tasted delicious. All day long I worried about this offer, the person who offered me is not responding and it is just making me more stressful.

The date of my work to start is 11th August, and I’m eagerly waiting for it to begin. The last I heard from him was Friday, and I didn’t feel like disturbing him on the weekend. Now, when I try to call him there is no response and no reply for my messages as well. This is such a bad thing :(

When I quit my first job in the middle of March little did I know what I would experience, there were so many people trying to hire for less pay. You’re just not in a position to demand and negotiate, I just felt sorry for myself at a particular point and agreed to work for less and in this process I changed two jobs due to lack of motivation.

The interviews I attended, the people who were judgmental all these instances just made me think a lot about myself. The big companies never really cared for me and the smaller ones just want you to work at a very low pay, another experience where the person from the company flirted with me and just was a crackpot. What is happening in my life? At times I wonder may be I haven’t made up my mind yet to work.


Perhaps I have become a schizophrenic without much human interaction. In short, I just don’t know what to do.

©Suchitra- 2016

Monday, August 8, 2016

August is here (Day-8)

I haven’t been to my relative’s home yesterday, it was cancelled. I heaved a huge sigh of relief, don’t know why but I felt good. Again my day went in to applying for jobs online, the ones which are of my profile are scattered so far away from my home that I just don’t feel motivated enough to go ahead.

I had earlier mentioned that I have one offer, a work from home opportunity I’m about to start from 11th of this month. It has been postponed quite a while, so I got a bit demotivated and again began searching my ex-employer called me the other day and informed me about an opportunity at the parent company. Though, it isn’t my profile I’m ready to take that up in case my work from home opportunity drops me in the end.

It’s been four and a half months of joblessness I guess I got accustomed to my daily routine. May be that could be the reason I don’t want to travel a lot to go to work, I stay almost at the end of the city so travelling for me is always an exhaustive task.

I started reading ‘Such a Long Journey’ and I have just got into the story of a family called the Noble’s. Gustad and Dilnavaz are proud parents to Sohrab, Darius and Roshan and live in Khodadad Building. The story is about them as of now and would reveal much more once after I complete the book.

On Quikr today, I browsed through jobs and applied for content writing as well. Mostly, now my priority would freelance projects related to writing. I don’t know when I write for myself I feel good and sane, but when I get into chasing the targets and all it becomes hectic and unwanted. I have always hated deadlines and time bound criteria.


And this cost me a lot because I’m not disciplined like other writers who finish on time and publish their works.

©Suchitra- 2016

Sunday, August 7, 2016

August is here (Day-7)

Today I have been to the temple with my mom, since it’s the Shravan Maas and there are back to back festivals scheduled. At temple I busied myself watching the mongrels which were taking a nap in the temple vicinity. There were three, and one among them which was the youngest started coming nearer to us hoping we would give it something to eat. But my mom just shooed it away.

We offered the sweet and some fruits. I had to hear my mom telling me about marriage again, how important it is to get married at the right time and stuff like that. I never agree but got no chance at all to argue with her.

After coming home I thought I would just curl up with my book but in the morning got a call from a relative that my mother’s elder sister is not well again. So me and my mom are going to visit her, I have no problem going with her but the only headache will be that of my other relatives who will comment on my looks, how thin I became and stuff like that. Again, I have to answer them when they ask, ‘what are you doing?’ NOTHING I want to scream in their faces. I hope this time I would just calm myself down and let them talk whatever they want to, just like dogs that bark and won’t do anything.

I’m not a really big fan of such meetings because all they talk is what is lacking in their life. It does affect me; even I turn out to be like them. When we focus on what we don’t have, we’ll never ever have enough, I heard Oprah saying this in one of her television shows.


I’ll have to train myself to get out of that feeling of lacking, we have enough. We just don’t see properly.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

August is here (Day-6)

Today, so far has been good I mean after a long time I stepped out of my home. I have accompanied my brother to the Rhythu Bazaar, Rhythu in Telugu means farmer. And I have also completed reading ‘Something Happened on the Way to Heaven’ by Sudha Murty, these were twenty lovely and inspiring stories about life.

Pic Source from Google
I had thoroughly enjoyed myself reading this and I would undoubtedly recommend any of Sudha Murty’s works to the readers who are just about to begin their reading adventure. Because of the simplicity of her language it is so easy to understand and feel the emotions that are being described.
Yesterday night I watched a movie ‘Adventure on the Red Plane’; it is one interesting movie I should say, because of a book given by his dad the protagonist gets involved in that book and takes it way too seriously as kids do normally. 

Pic Source from Google
From then on the journey begins to save the hero of the book, who is trapped at the other end of the world.The protagonist and his two toys go on an adventure by converting themselves into their miniature version with the help of a magnifying glass given by his father. The trio, with the help of a toy airplane travels to the Moon, where they encounter strange beings and for them the opposite is the right way.

Pic Source from Google
Later they visit, Africa, India, China and reach their destination. It was as if I was re-visiting my childhood, it was filled with the same imagination as that of this kid in the movie. For me in my imagination there were times I thought that animals could talk, believed in anything and everything.


I grew out of some and some are still in my mind. Probably, I do believe them even now. 

Friday, August 5, 2016

August is here (Day-5)

I have to accept this fact in my life that I’m lazy, I mean very lazy. No matter how many times I wanted to change this habit of mine I sucked at it. Meditation is an amazing tool but then I couldn’t maintain its practice for a long time; usually my meditation practice would last for not more than two weeks.

I think should just not push myself too much, but at times I think I should be draconian and very particular about my habits. Well, at this time enters laziness and supports the former view and everything goes down the drain. I’m still struggling to maintain a routine; hopefully I do some positive changes in my life.

In my late teens I introduced myself to reading books, this habit of mine is something I’m so proud of. I have now become someone who just gets excited when encountered with many books; I hardly can pick few because I want all of them. I don’t mind admitting that I’m greedy for books and their lovely narratives.

Yesterday, I mentioned that I received books from India reads right? I had completed one already. It is ‘Houses of Cards’ by Sudha Murty, as always she wrote another heart-touching novel. I like her way of writing which is simple, but now my target is to explore other writers as well.

Writing is magic, isn’t it? It just lets you explore so much of the world. The emotions, adventures, mysteries and so much more, imagination is one great thing in this world. It has got so much to give only if we pause to understand and receive it.


Today, I’m feeling low. I don’t know why but it happens quite often and I’m aware that it is not a good sign. I always try my level best to be positive and optimistic, but somewhere along the line I fall in to the same trap of being cynical about anything and everything. 

Pic Source from Google

Thursday, August 4, 2016

August is here (Day-4)

It is raining cats and dogs outside. It’s been just a while since my mom left for some grocery shopping, I asked to carry an umbrella with her but she did not listen to me. Since there was sun out for quite some time she took it as a cue that it is not going to rain, I don’t know how muddy it has become around my home. Because it’s been a long time that I stepped out and had a look at the muddy roads.

I had ordered online four books on Monday and got them today via FedEx. I’m so glad to smell those books; I just love the smell of old books the touch and feel of them, the print, the texture and so much more. I cannot wait to go on and read them, the list is here:

Such a Long Journey and Tales from Firozsha Baag by Rohinton Mistry

House of Cards and Something happened on the way to heaven by Sudha Murty

I have always admired the writings of Ms.Sudha, she has got a simple language and expresses the woes of modern women so nicely. In the past I read Mahashweta, Gently falls the Bakula, The Dollar Bahu, Old man and his God and other books.


And coming to Rohinton Mistry I read his book ‘ A Fine Balance ‘ and just transformed myself into his worshiper. The book, ‘A Fine Balance’ gave me some sleepless nights and made me cry for the characters which suffered in his book. The way I chanced upon ‘A Fine Balance’ was I read Priya Anand’s (Actress) interview in a Telugu news paper few years back and she said this book was her all time favorite and I searched for it in my college library, that’s how I got this book. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

August is here (Day-3)

What’s the irritating question asked to you in the interviews?

If you ask my experience it would be the question about my marriage. I don’t know why but in Indian context this question is so obvious, I wonder when it isn’t asked to the men why it is then for the women. Whenever this question has been asked I was like (in my mind) “What the hell is that?” I mean isn’t to too much to ask someone you’ve just met. It’s like trying to get the details about an event in one’s life which is very personal and not everyone would like sharing it.

Well, yes I agree that mostly women after marriage would quit. It is a normal phenomenon in India, but instead of chucking that candidate right away why don’t you talk about the support which you would provide. Let’s say you have asked the question about marriage and the candidate, who is desperate for a job would obviously lie and say there’s nothing on the cards as of now. From the expression on her face and depending on your experience you would guess if it’s a lie or truth.

Instead of all these mind games why can’t we go about it in a professional way?

Pic source from Google

What if the candidate says “Yes I’m planning to get married, at the end of this year” and the concerned interviewer is like “Well, congratulations. May I ask if you would continue your service with our organization?” and if interviewee responds positively, the company can surely hire her. Right?  NO.

The minute they hear you say marriage they are going to drop you, no matter how qualified and talented you are. I don’t think one can see this pattern in other countries at all, honestly I’m tired of answering this question.

Pic source from Google

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

August is here (Day-2)

Today, so far, my day has been good. Woke up and completed a course on coursera, which was into English speaking skills. It was good with the information they provided about how to have various communications, like on phone, online and in person. I just went through the course material but I didn’t buy the course. The costs are not astronomical, but I felt I’ll be fine with just the learning part not showcasing it.

I think the best thing about being jobless is you become more courageous, after failing your interviews and seeing how mean people can be once they get to know that you’re not working it sort of puts you in a ‘rebel’ mode. And you tend to take more risks than you used to do earlier, since you don’t have anything to lose you’ll be more mindful about the tasks.

What have I learnt about being jobless?

Well, it’ll be stressful because no matter what, you cannot stop comparing yourself with your friends who are doing better than you. You also see that people, who said they care about you, hardly give a damn!

Another important thing is that the interviewers might treat you like you’re good for nothing. I recently, had such experience when I had applied on Quikr and in due time given the Marketing Director’s number. I had gone through the website and felt that everything about them is genuine, however the Marketing Director turned out to be a flirtatious man. Asking me to come out for a long drive and started stating that I’m very romantic when all I did was to try my level best to sound professional. This took place on Whatsapp.

He said whatever he could and I was just dumbstruck!

After few days I wrote a review on Google about my experience and now I’m getting his texts and calls, which I decided I shall not respond to owing to his misbehavior. I would not take down that review since I’m not lying at all.

At times like these all we need to do is stand up and speak, and that’s what I did.


Monday, August 1, 2016

August is here (Day-1)

This month I hope and pray that I would write each and every day and post it as blogs. It is my way of getting used to writing, there were so many attempts earlier that I would begin a blog and deactivate it after a couple of weeks: Word-press,Tumblr,Blog.com and what not!

Now I am stable in this blog ‘Just to Say’, writing regularly and posting them. It is crazy but for now I’m the only viewer I guess, because I haven’t shared my blog’s link anywhere nor did I try to promote it. I just want to keep it anonymous, my world where I write and express.

It’s not like I have hidden my name or anything, earlier I also tried doing it. Picked a ‘Pen Name’ and wrote but dropped it along the way. When I look back at the words which I wrote, they give me this immense satisfaction of achievement. I did publish few poems before I ventured in to prose; I wonder why am I not writing poetry, now?

Well all I can say is that my heart tells me to be more descriptive and it’s craving for the details. I’m currently on a ‘Lazy-mode’ because of unemployment, being jobless isn’t the cool thing anymore. But there is hope for I have an offer from a company, and I am told that work would begin in the second week of this month. (It was postponed a couple of times already, this time it is going to be my joining. The person is so sure and I’m hoping against hope!).

Long back, earlier this year I started a story and it is still pending, I’m determined to complete it. It’s just that I cannot say whether it’ll be a short-story or a novella. We'll let it unfurl.


Sunday, July 31, 2016

A Lost Friendship

This week’s dreams are that of lost relations, I dreamed of a friend whom I have removed from my life. The friend who inspired me to write and click photographs, I do miss him but I felt I’m being ignored somehow. The funny part is I never met him and I’m aware that he hardly thinks of me but then, I don’t know this feeling inside me.

In that dream I was thinking of contacting him again make amends of the lost friendship. I wonder at times, was that really friendship or more than that? An admiration of some sort perhaps and of course I was craving for his approval of my writings when he just got married and enjoying a blissful matrimony.

I was expecting so much, perhaps and in order to put an end to it, I removed him from my life. Hence, I can now not expect anything from him. It’s this habit of mine that has left me with not many connections, I don’t understand if I’m not being a part of their life and waiting for them to talk to me or just perhaps greet me, and when this desire is met with a disappointment all I can do is just stop myself from expecting. That’s what I did, I do believe that if I see them on social media time and again I’ll be thinking to contact them again so just removing them seemed a better option than thinking too much. Since it was this person who brought this idea of writing into my mind and photography, which are my favorite past times that I’m unable to switch him off from my life.

I remember when he was married and I sent a really long message for him, telling him how happy I was for him. But I never got any reply, not even a smiley face which he puts so often, at times I think he probably misunderstood me (for we have few differences in opinions). He might assume that I have no value for friendship at all, and after this long time what can I possibly ‘ping’ him about?

Today’s dream was about a bird, a breed named ‘Kanak’. I saw this bird in my dream, it came into my home and my father was holding it in his hands and all I wanted was to click a picture of it with me. Till the end of this dream all I was trying to get is a picture of this unique bird, alas I couldn’t. May be it depicted the friendships that I couldn’t maintain in life, no matter how hard I tried?

Monday, July 25, 2016

Dreams do tell you something....

I’m dreaming a lot these days and making a mental note of them so that I can journal it later on. Today’s dream is not that clear; I guess it was about a ghost. But yesterday’s dream was quite interesting; it is about me organizing a TED talk. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hear the candidates talk because of the mosquitoes in the real world! Trust me they just sucked the life out of me.

I guess maintaining journals about our dreams really help. I have started watching many TED talks and secretly nurturing this fantasy that perhaps I would stand in the red circle one day and give a talk. And this fantasy has led to that dream.

The day before yesterday’s one was just an enchanting one; it was straight out from an Aladdin movie for it showed me a castle from afar. The bulbous onion-like structure was upside down and in order to make it blue we need to inject the colors and I’m being handed the wrong one. L


These dreams, strange aren’t they? And if you’re reading this anyone…anywhere please give it a try. Start a dream journal, dreams tells you more than they appear to be, there’s always an underlying element to them. ALWAYS.


May be they’ll end up helping you in some way or the other, if you care to analyze them properly.

Monday, July 18, 2016

"9"


I have never written any movie review before and I don't think my post is about that at all. I just came across this movie and these days with the time I'm getting, I am just catching up with movies and stuff like that.

Came across this site which is just amazing moviehub.tv !!

It has got varied collections of movies, some which I couldn't find elsewhere I found them here and I'm so glad that I did.

Coming to this movie "9", it just didn't make any sense to me first at all. The opening scene was where a small guy made up of sack wakes up into the world without humans, all he sees are the machines around him.

Ultimately he finds his tribe, and they are called: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 strange isn't it?

All these characters are very interestingly created and they're nothing but the parts of the soul of their creator who invented "Super Brain" (A machine), which in turn becomes corrupted and starts creating havoc.

The creator who is old and not sure about his time left anymore, eventually breaks down his soul into nine parts and finally dies. And now it's up to these nine creations to stop the super-brain, it is exciting and adventurous.

I didn't expect this movie to be so "out-of-the-world".

I wouldn't want to rate any movie but would definitely recommend it to others.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

A Crazy day...


Today morning I woke up crying because of a dream. I wish this to come true but at the same time it shouldn’t hurt anyone; the dream is basically about the current HR-Executive at Legal Advantage leaving the company and I get to know this through my relatives at Nirmal. Strange isn’t it?

The dream was, I think came out from my extreme desperation to get a job. So in this dream I could see Gunni (One of my cousins) who was talking about this opening at Legal Advantage and how Divya left or being fired (I’m not sure which). But she also said that Mr. Balaji gave her a big lecture about how good I was in that role and she was not living up to it. This is so crazy!

And Gunni tells me to ask Balaji and tells me he’ll be back after two weeks, since he is gone for a vacation. I see a white cat in this dream which is so pristine and beautiful and it was different because its eye lashes were made up of bird feathers, and I see my Aunt (Sanju) talking about the cat.

Well, coming to the reality being jobless is not that easy at all! There is so much happening in your mind that you have to constantly tell yourself that things are going to get better, even if you don’t see that materializing. Yes, you become desperate and think of doing any job that is not even related to your studies.

You resent that friend of yours, who didn’t inform you about her job and start feeling jealous about her. You try to calm and cool but from within it just makes you so mad that you at times feel like killing yourself.

The positive side of it would be I guess we’ll seriously start making ourselves better that is by using all the free courses on the internet which tend to make us more informed about our craft. Not only our craft but we dab in to the other interests of ours like today I have taken out my crayons/color pencils/water colors and all the stuff required to paint. You know to create something in this time of mine.

Other of my interests is writing which I’m planning to do on a daily basis which wouldn’t have been possible without me being jobless. Probably not having a job is letting me to focus on so many other things that are so important in my life. I’m trying to be grateful for this time, have recently started watching movies and I should say I’m quite enjoying it, few of the movies that I watched recently are:


One Day, The Conjuring 1 & 2, Mune: The Guardian of Moon, Inside Out, The Good Dinosaur.

Photos express the best!!!

These are few pics which I took at my home.




 The game of light is just so enthralling­čśŐ


 A pink contrast.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

May Day

So, today is 'May Day'. Honestly speaking I have no knowledge about it at all, it's just the generic things which people say that I get to hear. It's a day to celebrate the contribution and commitment of labor force and that's all!

I have been jobless for a while and it's quite frustrating, I don't know what I am exactly craving for nor am I aware about the 'calling' in my life. There has been no consistency in my way of choosing something, like when I have resigned my job I was actually happy that I am out of something that I truly didn't enjoy and at that point of time money was not on my mind since I don't have people depending on my earnings it was quite an easy decision.

But then after a few days I felt like I have lost something, what was that? Money? Well, not really then what was it? I ask myself. Freedom? I'll have to think about it but I'm sure it's not entirely that because I wasn't enjoying my job though it earned me something every month. And my job made me just irritating in many ways. I understood this is not I want! I would be with something that would make me grow as a person not just thwart my zeal and enthusiasm in my life.

At times I wonder did I make the right career choice? Getting into the Human Resources field and still being introvert and shy. It really does make me feel like out of water, but then this state of "Not being Employed" is also not adding anything to my life.

In short, it so happened that I just went into depression kind of a thing and this feeling of worthlessness crept inside me and was refusing to get out of my system. Crying at times without any rhyme or reason, and trying for a job seemed an altogether is a different ordeal.

I have been to the interviews, Deloitte, Karvy, Valuelabs, Paynear, Global Logic, Good Luck Assets... in this scorching sun it wasn't easy. My confidence started wavering, the thought I could get a job was now just a thought there's lot more to it. I came to know my weakness and strengths, in my first full time job I became lazy, irritated and agitated. And when I'm trying to land into a job now I have realized this, at times I thank God for making me quit that job because only when I got out of it that I started working my ass off to lean things which I wouldn't have had I been there.

I've started taking little steps towards learning things. God! and guess what? I have literally been a buffalo in my previous job. Now, I'm exploring and the indecisiveness is still there.

Hope I stumble upon something which I can do for the rest of my life. There have been so many things I wanted to do at one point or the other but couldn't choose anything, I wonder what my education has done to me? I'm crippled here to take a decision about my life and I'm going no where.

What is real education anyway, when I cannot even take a decision!!

Thursday, March 31, 2016

The Broken Home

Not long ago there used to live a family which seemed good when it came to material comforts but none of the family members were really happy. The trouble started off when the husband started suspecting his wife of some extra-marital affair that didn’t exist. A so-called ‘innocent’ suspicion is what it takes to make a romantic relationship troublesome.

Whenever I saw that family making public appearances, there was never a hint of discomfort among them. I knew of their disturbances because the youngest person in their family was my friend, her life and her choices made my childhood an unforgettable one. May be, because of the madness she acquainted herself with or the melancholy, I could not put my finger on anything specifically.

She was a loner from the very beginning, though I was her friend and we would talk and have lunch together. She was always detached, no matter what nothing in this world made an impact on her mind. As far as my memory goes her elder brother was an intellectual lad and unlike her he always passed his math test.

One thing that I liked about her was her story telling skills, only if she is in a mood to talk. Her mind would perhaps run like a wild cheetah, a trillion thoughts all coming together perhaps because she would wince at times complaining of a headache.  At times way too calm making me shiver!

I have had her companionship till third or fourth grade I do not remember, it’s her stories which I was stuck with, stories ranging from ordinary to extraordinary. At times I feel that I’m close to her by reliving a memory wherein there is something related to her or anything remotely connected to her. 

She brought in the tragedies of her life by way of creating a stimulating mental picture. Pictures of monsters waging wars while pair of flowers look upon with tears flowing, in turn these tears are the source of their growth since the monsters very often forget to water them.

When I was in my teens living in a different country, I got an opportunity to visit my school. I was more than excited to attend and that’s when I learnt that she hanged herself a year ago, the cause was unknown. Though many claimed it was psychological, some said it was her eagerness to taste death for she always sounded ghoulish to them, in her talks, in her entire personality it was everywhere DEATH.

No one knows how she caught that fancy but it has resulted in some inexplicable things. Not only in that area but in my life as well, after that visit I began dreaming more. Studies got affected, hence resulted in my poor performance and my uncanny interest and extreme obsession with reading stories reached its zenith. I have currently five library memberships and I feel they are inadequate; the stories which I read have now become my dreams. A mystical merging phenomenon!

In my dreams I see her, sitting beside me letting a new story unfurl.




Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Being Productive....

I have quit my job and sitting at home doing nothing is making me more frustrated and lazy. I have become an unproductive person, of course with limited or no interest at all in anything. I feel like my mind is now imprisoned and wants to break free, to feel the freedom and smile in joy. It has always been conflicts all in my life, not necessarily with people but within my mind.

My moods have mostly determined how well I can be in say next 24-hrs or a few minutes. Even as I write there is a thudding sound in my head which wants to come out and scream. I’m writing after a very long time, of course I missed it but now I’m missing my job. I don’t want to return to the former job but want to explore more opportunities, may be in different domains as well.

At times I feel I can be productive by sitting at home, that is by writing stories or penning down some write-up’s but then who would read my stuff? They are mostly wrongly punctuated and the vocabulary part isn’t as impressive as people would want it to be. Damn…with all those expectations!
 
It’s all about experimenting and re-inventing or mostly you could say re-writing your work. The first draft is more of a rough picture; it needs to be polished further by enhancing it by way of adding tiny, minuscule elements which bring in a charm.

Today I have completed reading “A Book of Simple Living” by Ruskin Bond. It just took me to the hill side with the wild flowers blooming and birds singing sweetly, he is someone who writes with his heart and soul. He doesn’t really deal with the gargantuan things like world wars but brings the reader close to the world he is living in.

This book is a must read and one has to have a physical copy of it so as to touch and feel the book, and even smell it sometimes.

Even the smell of a book can transport you to another world, where you will be greeted by wild flowers and birds. For that is what our ultimate destiny would be to merge into the universe which created us.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

A Refreshing Ritual


The place which I prefer the most after a long tedious day is the terrace of my home. I retreat there most of the time; it is like a ritual now. And it is where I feel content since I do not hear every day’s “To-Do” list blaring in my head. I drag myself away from the distraction of gizmos and from the monotony which comes with life. It’s my way of becoming sane from insane; curing oneself of the deadliest disease humankind has to face once in a while--- Boredom. Not the boredom of nothing left to do but the boredom of tasks to do when your mind wanders. 
It’s kind of “Me-Time”, if you can call that for this is when I ponder about the way of life and death, true meaning of love, goals and ambitions which we tend to avoid if we are in any other situations. The busyness of life catches up with you so as to blind you from observing the simplest things in life one has to make time for- sunrises, sunsets, twinkling stars at night as if they are seeking your attention, most of the times I would just end up doing “Walking Meditation”, to ease my mind and calm my heart. And the other times I get engrossed in following a flight of the bird, to behold it till I lose the sight of it disappearing behind a tree or it becoming a speck in the sky.
There are many ways to escape from the overwhelming demands of daily routine and retreating to have an intimate time with nature is the most refreshing thing to do, added to that if you can grab a good book then there is no turning back. I believe this sporadic habit of mine has helped and instilled a sense of calmness in me to get back and face the daily routine once again. 

Saturday, January 23, 2016

What Do I Feel Now


I feel so low, I’m going crazy from within and lately I have been toying with the idea of death on my mind. I want to cry out for a reason I’m not aware of, I just want to sleep and never wake up again. I guess this is what depression is all about; you’re helpless and not aware of any specific reason that is making you restless and helpless. It’s not just a mood swing like people make it out to be. It is much more than that.

So, for me writing about it is the only way I can trace out of how it all began in the very first place. No matter what, when I look back all I see is a girl who was a loner from the very beginning of her life, I am now 22 and lost all hope on life. I have now become a cynic who would taunt people in my mind but be nice to them outwards; and absolute hypocrite I am.

How do I explain my situation to others who think I ought to be happy given my financial situation or my education qualification which so many in the world long for but seldom get. Fine I agree that I ought to be happy but there’s a wound inside my heart which made the nearby area very sensitive. So sensitive that when being pricked all it could think of is to die or rather wish someone was dead.

It’s a situation that when explained people don’t understand because it offends their opinions and beliefs. I always long for things which should’ve been ‘Let-go’ rather than stuck with. I crave for the forbidden stuff, I look for the ugly side of anything and criticize it in my mind and then in front of others I seem to be sensitive, thoughtful and caring! I am that.

When it has been a really long time that I cried I tend to imagine a tragedy and cry myself to sleep. Some I make up and some which happened long time back. I think someone to be dead and tell myself that I need to cry for their funeral, at times I cry remembering the way someone treated me or a nasty comment made against me. Currently I don’t know what to do about my life, it all seems a waste of time and I think of throwing myself under a lorry or any other vehicle just like that. Trust me, it’s a scary thought and I’m living it every day. What’s my condition called? Severe depression? Normal Depression? I got no clue.

Recently, I read a book called ‘Life is what you make it’ by Preeti Shenoy, it was about a girl who had bipolar disorder and surprisingly I could relate myself to that character pretty well. The symptoms have been like frequent mood swings and becoming aggressive without any understandable reason.

I do want to write some short stories but at the moment I am unable to do so. I have lost all the interest in my life and right now I just long for …something meaningful which would be giving me the happiness I need and at the same time engage me productively. Coming to my relationship, it isn’t as good as it is supposed to be. I don’t see any sense in being in this when I know the result would be more unhappiness. The passion which I felt in the beginning now dwindled into nothingness, maybe I lose interest in people quite easily. I seriously am not a fit-in-relationship person; I see it as a very stupid thing now.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Loosing Control

It feels as if I have lost almost everything. May be I'm over thinking, am I?