Sunday, November 17, 2019

Moving on from so-called 'Heartbreak'

I'll tell you what it is like 'moving on' here in my life really means.

It means I should now look at marriage prospects brought by my parents and all the other third parties. Yes, that's what moving on really is all about. No acknowledging of the pain or the reasons why the past relationship didn't work. It's all pushed under the carpet. Nothing ever happened, I'm pure, a virgin.

Now the question is: Do I really want to move on?
The answer is: Yes.

But,

Not by getting married. Nope. That's not what I'm looking at.

Again,

My friends and well-wishers were suggesting that I just start talking to these 'prospects'. Never say yes till you're sure, no one is pushing you in that direction. Just take a tiny step and start talking. You never know is what they say. I know they mean good for me, so I am just going to talk.

Do I want to put in the effort to make a relationship work? Not right now. I'm putting that effort into focusing on my career, which I neglected like crazy!

Sometimes I cry. I know that I have been running away from commitments like marriage and all. I know it's too much for me. I'm now currently looking to delay it by two more years. I don't think it's feasible but makes much more sense. Live on my own for a while and see how it goes and then make a decision of spending my life with some stranger.

We will live for some time and for practical reasons it's good to have a partner. If there's love then it will be even more memorable, without love it fades away like a dream with your life.

Sunday, July 28, 2019

My Ex gets married and life still moves on....


I cannot believe that my life is taking such turns. I am not even aware of what I want. After last night’s fight, I did feel that ‘Sujay’ was better off without me. Today, I cleaned the washroom but told my colleagues that I’m unwell and I need an off. Reached Lamakaan at around 2:00 p.m, I was looking for a quiet place, it didn’t take me so much time to realize that everyone here wants a quiet place for themselves as I see that people are spread everywhere.

There are certain questions that I am asking myself as I always do. Can anyone give me happiness other than myself? Can I give happiness and satisfaction to others? I don’t think so. My mother, as I understand is imagining something that isn’t there in the first place. Did I behave just like this when I was with Sujay? Sometimes maybe.

I wasn’t thinking much about him after joining Fpix, it’s only after getting to know that he’s married I’ve started thinking about him. I remember reaching out to him in May and then in July. I get the information that he’s married. I was in shock for a few days, but now I’m doing okay. I just feel that he moved on so quickly!

I mean, not that he shouldn’t but it seems a little surprising since he said he wouldn’t marry anyone else. Have I made the right choice by letting him go? In retrospect, I can see that he was playing safe and his behavior was guarded. I can sit here and write about what all went wrong, while a ginger cat sleeps beside me. I had an intuition, screaming at me to get away from him. It would nag me at times and I would end up wanting to break away from him. He would convince and beg; I’d give it a little bit more time.

Other times it was me who would beg him to marry me, usually register marriage of sorts.
·         Did he really wanted to marry me?
·         Did I really love him?
·         Did I test his patience too much?
·         Did I push myself and my problems onto him?

Sometimes I felt I’m pushing him way too far. My behavior did change a little in the due course. He seemed to be waiting for a miracle to happen, while he suffered. Since I know my parent’s personality, I was not ashamed of expressing my desire to get separated from them.

I had called Mahitha three hours ago and she said she’ll be here in one and a half hours but now, when I’m calling her again there is no response. It’s alright I got to accept that life does suck!
My mind wanders to what he’ll be doing to his wife. I know I need to stop these thoughts. I don’t know if he willingly married her. Never mind it’s a matter of time, things will fall into place. I just need to manage myself through this phase. I’ve lost interest and respect for marriage. I am at a phase wherein I don’t mind staying alone. It does get scary but to quote Sadhguru “We are alone in this body, though we are interacting or having intercourse.”

He captured it so well, didn’t he?

Since there’s so much pressure on me to get married, I don’t know if I’ll give into it. Mother will create her drama and there will be loads of ruckus. Secretly, I want every proposal that comes to me turn away saying that I’m not the one for them, I wish it to happen. I want to stay single forever!

I don’t know why I’m affirming it but deep down I’m just not sure about anything.

I accept that it was never meant to be. I only feel bad that I spent so much time and gave myself fully into it though I had this intuition that he might not stand up and fight for me.

Saturday, June 15, 2019

What all has been happening in my life? Read this post to find out!

10-Jun-19 

It's 11:00 p.m and I've just finished a short meditation, it wasn't that deep at all because I was sleepy. But the one that I did in the morning seemed to make sense to me. How was my day today? Well, it was good because my boss was not around.  

I drafted a mail to myself with some files that I might look at in the morning. I feel good that I finally completed reading 'Man's Eternal Quest' and now completing the book 'Best Foot Forward' is another self-help cum spiritual book. I'm seeking something deep, and hence the reading list got way too serious. At the office today I heard people talk about my boss and I felt sad for him. I mean he can change all this just by being attentive to people when they say something and genuinely encourage them, not just for the sake of it. 

My eyes are literally shutting down, I guess I got to go now and yea I received my shaker from Amazon and I wrote a review of it on the website as well. My brother wanted to talk to me today but I was just overwhelmed with the curriculum mapping that I had to do. I will look at it in the morning with a fresh mind. 

That's it for now. 
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11-Jun-19 

How was today? Well, pretty hectic. The files that have been downloaded from iStock didn't make my life any easier. I had to sit and do all the infographics that I suggested on Canva. And then in the evening, my brother called, talked about the message that my aunt has sent him. He finally understood what all she has been doing and firmly decided not to entertain her any further and I was happy for him.  I resumed reading 'Best Foot Forward' and it's beautiful that way the author is describing the way he found God. How he didn't take God seriously but when finally he realized his mistake he changed his lifestyle. So, it's a book about his personal experiences which transformed him to pursue that which is everlasting: God.  I have now become a little aware of my thoughts and thinking about God. I kind of felt even God was thinking of me when I came across a sentence in Paramahansa Yogananda ji's book 'Man's Eternal Quest'.   Even the agnostic who thinks he can never know God, if he pursues in his quest will finally find him.   Of course, the wordings were a little different but it made total sense to me because once when Shreya asked me about my belief in God, I said I don't know. It was a vague reply, to which she remarked that I'm an agnostic. I never knew that word before but when she said it I looked it up online and the meaning of that word aptly described my situation.  The sentence from that book seemed like it was God's way of saying 'Never mind, at least you think of me'.  Well, I do think of you. A lot. 
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12-Jun-19 

It's night now, almost 11:30 p.m and I've just had my dinner and watched a video by the actor Madhavan. It was an eye-opener, he spoke about our health and how we need to eat food properly. He recollected his experiences in Austria and many insightful things were shared by him. I shared it on my Whatsapp status.  

In it, he also said that at night there must be three hours of gap between eating dinner and falling asleep! Now I know why I've been feeling whatever I was feeling. I got the backpack that I had ordered on Amazon and it is good. I feel that it truly serves the purpose. I especially like the look of it. It's minimalistic and classy.  

Today, I haven't read much but while I was in the office I ended up downloaded a hell lot of books. I'm just getting greedy for books day by day. I'm glad that I'm getting addicted to books, even now at times I'm thinking about my past relationship. It will take time but I will forget it. It was never a relationship, there was a lack of emotional connect and no matter how close I wanted to to get to him, I could see that he was always guarded. 
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13-Jun-19 

Yesterday, I pinged Nethra on Whatsapp. She did respond to the questions I asked and wanted to know how I was doing. I replied I'm okay, and I kind of wanted her to ask me about my relationship but she didn't. Well, even though I was dying to share with her what all had happened I knew it wouldn't serve any purpose.   I was also looking forward to her to invite me to her home since she said she's in Hyderabad but she didn't take the conversation any further and I realized that I cannot really force myself into her life just like that.   Last night I had this dream which was so ridiculous. In the dream, I went to a shop to buy onions, which I did but once I was at home I realized that I forgot to pick up the packet. This happened not just once or thrice but till I woke up because I was so irritated with myself for being so forgetful. It's a crazy dream, I just have this inkling that this tried to teach me something about myself. Was it to say that I keep forgetting my lessons whenever I get out of a relationship?  I don't know. 
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14-Jun-19 

Today was again a bit irritating. My mom asked why I took leave and I kept quiet. I didn't want to answer her query, I didn't want to talk to anybody. I wanted to be left alone, she came back again and said we should go shopping as she feels that I don't have proper traditional wear to attend any functions. I outrightly said that I'm not interested. I don't really know how to explain this hopelessness that I feel to people around me. It's so deep and has come back again that I lost interest in almost everything, even in life!  I can't afford to lose the battle; all these peaks and troughs have now become quite a part of my being. I whiled away today by being distracted. I did read a bit and worked just a little on the grammar exercise. I could have totally done a lot more but I didn't. In the afternoon I slept, the sleep was quite deep but the only thing was I got up once or twice in between because of anxiety and I guess I heard my mom shout. When I looked for her, she was sound asleep.  When she was done asking me about shopping, she urged me to visit the tailor, so that the pending blouses can be stitched. I don't understand this. She keeps making a fuss about things that don't matter to me at all.  I took an off to heal myself not to subject myself to another set of her curses. I want to go to Lamkaan tomorrow and be a part of the writing club. I need to take my writing seriously. I haven't written much these days. The last proper stuff that I wrote was a book review of Grit by Angela Duckworth. Nothing major as such. The thing is do I tell her that I'm going to the office or just say that I want to visit my friend's place?  Friend's place will create ruckus, I better settle down saying that I'm going to be in the office. I ended the day watching the movie Hyderabad Blues, it was a nice one and way too ahead of its time. Planning to watch more of Nagesh Kuknoor's work. 
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Sunday, June 9, 2019

9-06-2019

I've been writing all these nine days and thankfully I didn't miss even one day. Below is what I wrote today:



9-Jun-19

Today I saw the news of Annie Zaidi winning The Nine Dots Prize and I was amazed because I remember attending her writing workshop at British Council. On that day I saw Annie accompanied by Shernaz Patel, the session went well I mean it was again the same things that writers talk about is what she emphasized again and I felt it to be a bit boring. I felt she is another run-of-the-mill type of writer, and now I realize that I judged her wrongly. I read the excerpts of her essay that she submitted to The Nine Dots Prize and it revolved around identity, roots and tracing the origin of our ancestors.

I did one exercise about adjectives in Wren and Martin, read Man’s Eternal Quest and one short story on Airtel books, which is nothing but Juggernaut app. My reading list is just growing and I don’t know if there ever be a break to it. In the background is a cricket match on the TV going on, it’s a match between India and Australia. I was little anxious today as when I tried to sleep in the afternoon I couldn’t, I was still telling myself that I’m responsible for the relationship breaking.

Sunday, June 2, 2019

A minimum of 100 words per day challenge (this entire June)

I've decided to write a minimum of 100 words in a day (and also a minimum of 2 minute meditation). Here's what I've written on Jun 1st and 2nd, 2019. The write-ups can be my journal or any random thing. I may not post these everyday but I'll be writing them nevertheless!

I guess I can post them whenever I want. I must admit I kinda got inspired by Preeti Shenoy's blog marathons to do this teeny-tiny challenge to make writing a part of my everyday life.

1-Jun-19 
Another month and I'm right here trying to embrace all of my feelings. Pain, anxiety, enthusiasm, sadness and many more. Today was good, I woke up to a cloudy morning and most of the day was spent in anticipating rain or even a drizzle here and there but there was absolutely nothing.  Every month I set my mantra: be it minimalism or trying to be more mindful of my thoughts and this month it'll be compassion. Compassion for myself and then expand it to all others around me. Accompanied by my mantra are the books that I'm reading: Man's eternal quest and many more are in the queue. I've started reading Man's eternal quest long back but been switching back and forth towards it, it could be that my mind was resisting it a lot. Well, I've been like this for a very long time now: way too enthusiastic about God and when things seem to get a little tricky I slip back into my old way of thinking and feeling. This year, I can say that I've changed a lot. There are still those awful thoughts that haunt me and wake me up from my sleep with anxiousness and a feeling that I can't quite describe. It's a feeling that keeps coming back, it's cyclical. Some days I'm so very happy with life and suddenly I start dreading about the future.   Lately, I've been thinking about the person in my past. I don't want to take his name because when I tried to reach him after a long time through his mother, they've just blocked me on Whatsapp. Well, that's the end of it. Each of us has got our own theory of why that relationship failed. Whenever I'm troubling myself with my own thoughts that's when the compassion will help me in accepting and getting over these things.   Other thing that's bothering me is my hair fall. I could see that I'm balding, right above my forehead I could literally see my hairless scalp. Can I reverse this? I just need to be relaxed and that will solve all of my life problems. I'm calling them problems but are they really problems?   On the work front, I found Shreya to be very understanding of me and I understand her as well. I opened up to her about my past a little bit and there's this rapport between us which is in itself a blessing.  I've decided to write a minimum of a hundred words every day in this month. Of course, meditation has to be done every day from now on wards. I feel like I take meditation for granted, I need to make a deliberate and a conscious effort to know God, or the power that created me. I need to know the truth so that I'll be mentally free of all these material things/world. 
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2–Jun–19 

He was desperate to succeed in killing the most wanted in the city, and he was willing to give up anything. Well, almost anything. It all changed when he got to know that he has to give up his family for that. It surprised him that he still cares for them, and can actually go to any length in ensuring their safety. He was not always like this; family didn’t mean a thing when he got to hear things that were not really nice or the way his family members behaved with him.  
Strange that he still cares. Every human is wired to have social relationships, the survival depends on it and perhaps that’s what made him to care. Could it be more? 
(I've written the above stuff as a part of a minimum of 100 words in a day challenge) 
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