Sunday, September 16, 2018

An amateurish being I am.....

Why wasn't I writing my blog?

I don't even know where to start from, I've always thought that I'm very adaptable and flexible but now, at this point of time in life I've realized that I don't know a shit about being with a change, accepting it. I can now say that my life, as I see it now has taken a huge leap. It costs a lot to acknowledge that the relationship was not really going anywhere, and the fact that I've become a maniac from within scares the crap out of me.

I've come to know that I really don't know anything about love. All I knew was that tingling sensation, and being in a utopian state. I don't know if I'm the sole reason the relationship ended, because when I look back (though I tell myself I should not) I could see that there was nothing from the very beginning. It was me, who interpreted the small things and the big things in a way that suited me.

My overtly thinking is unbearable, I agree. That's understandable when it comes to play out in my interactions with my family. I don't even know if I feel bad about ending this relationship, because deep down I always felt he wasn't right for me. Millions of times I said I wanted it to end, but he'd come back (or I'll go back) only to realize that I just don't want it.

And this time he didn't, first time ever he said that he doesn't want this relationship anymore. It was a phone call, it was alright that I couldn't see his facial expressions and in a way glad that he couldn't see mine but I was not that hurt. I felt a little uneasy from within because I failed to explain to him my deepest feelings, thoughts and how I tried my level best to bear everything: the way he'd not look into my eyes when I talk, the way I'd be so serious about an issue and it doesn't really bother him, the way I'd wait for him. Literally, stand on the road for him to turn up even when people around are looking at me suspiciously, people commenting etc. Eventually ended up looking for that emotional connect with others.

The way he failed to understand me, I , on another hand couldn't grasp his idea about life. I couldn't feel him in my life anymore, it's like he was another stranger altogether. Let me tell you something, it's not about spending time together. It was more about how receptive we are towards each other when we're together.

Well, the thing is it's has ended. Nothing more, nothing less.

Monday, July 2, 2018

Mad Poetry - 3

I feared to face the day But survived what was in there Now it seems to be child's play To be vulnerable and bare
Moments that raced my heart Emotions that choked and strangled Now they inspire my art Though it is chaotic and entangled
I faced the day with all my might I was dying thousand times Yet I now have courage to sleep at night With all nightmares that confines....

Copyright Suchitra Manpuri

Photo by Brannon Naito on Unsplash

Mad Poetry - 2

Write... it says: 'Write what?” I ask myself. No one knows what's there at the end It's all in their head that they make up Theories of confusion bundled into one Trying to navigate the world with their thesis Peculiar are the ways they argue Since they are being swallowed by their own words Words are strangling them yet they avoid silence Silences that have an answer with no words Only when words are silenced there can be an answer......

Copyright Suchitra Manpuri



Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

A poem out of my journal dated: 10-Jan-2015

When the presence which I longed and yearned 
Fades away slowly from my memory, now erased 
A zephyr has spread its wings to blow away your memories 
Which I so lovingly etched, immune to life’s vagaries. 
  
I already dreamt of a place where we’ll again meet 
In an another way that I would remember and greet 
Perhaps that too would crumble into another déjà vu    
Craving I had experienced between me and you. 
  
Then for what is this short meeting and separation? 
Oh…it is all the time so full of permeable tribulation. 
Will you not be there in my last thought before I die? 
Because of my victory over the forces which came to vie? 


It's a little childish when I look back at it now but isn't it bang on the emotion part?

18-May-18


I'm at the bus stop, it's 9.a.m!   I keep thinking about my goals and habits. Are they really helping me? I just feel I'm not giving my best to every day that comes. Emotions are really nothing, but they make sure to hinder your progress if go unchecked.   Yesterday 'M' was at the office. He gave me a compliment that I look fabulous and very different. I don't know whether I should take that compliment, after what happened. It's like I don't want his opinion on anything but I still tend to care for her him as a person. That's why I called him up and told him what Srini told Bindu...who in turn told the team.   I got this clarification that except 'T' he didn't open his mouth at all. Well, poor guy, 'S' is using him for his own advantage. All these mind games though seem to be interesting and entertaining will cost a lot in the long run. I'm totally better off being out of them.  I'm seriously planning to change my job. Of course, I need the hike that I'm supposed to get and also the relieving letter which decides my fate whether I can join another company or not.  I like my work but the negativity of my bosses is very frustrating. Apart from that life seems to be going smoothly. I've decided that I ought to learn something new and excel at my work.   Currently I'm reading three books: I'm ok- you're ok, From Bhagdad to America and 4.a.m Conversations (on Kindle). 

Saturday, May 12, 2018

I wrote this on 10th May 2018

I guess I've had enough of my laziness. It's too much of a loss that can eventually kill you. Not at a time, all of a sudden but gradually.

I haven't had my period yet, which is kind of frustrating. I just feel empty all of a sudden. I know this is just a passing phase and I've been here many times....still there is no reduction in the intensity of pain. I think of so many things at times that it just makes me wearied.

And the problem with this feeling is that you cannot define it nor can you explain it to anyone properly. You'll be sickened by life in general. But there is hope.

Few things will get you through life at times like these. Feeding a mongrel or a cat out of blue really helps. Sometimes you just head to your blog and see the stats that say that your blog is being viewed by different countries like Portugal, US, Turkey and Russia. A strange sense of achievement and contentment.

Isn't life full of surprises? It's 7:35 p.m and I'm at Mehdipatnam waiting for my bus. All around I see people: fruit vendors and mostly passengers like me. A bus is standing in front of me where in passengers in it are quite tired. I cannot see my bus coming.... still!

I don't know why but my mind goes back to M. Did I expect much from him? Perhaps he was being friendly but I got addicted.... I just miss his friendship....or was it even friendship in the first place?

Did I go out there to start an affair?

I just feel an emptiness within me,
A lost part of my soul,
That promises to rebuild itself,
But seldom does.
It is near my heart,
That I get to feel that pain of parting,
It makes sure to silence your heart.

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Recent Happenings - 6

27-Apr-18 

Turmoil has ended. And I feel more lighter, I just had to talk to Sujay! I'm surprised at the way Sujay handled this matter of mine with 'M'. I could only respect Sujay a lot more now. When I take a deep breath and look back, all I could see now is that I was someone 'M' felt could use to stuff his fantasies into, I don't blame 'M' but myself for letting it come even this far that it hurt me so bad.  The way 'M' activated a new number to chat with me on Whatsapp because I refused to use Hangouts and the way he'd share with me stuff about him like his songs and his pictures with his daughter. Well the signs were there from the very beginning, I should have taken charge but....damn!  Sujay is hurt, and this isn't a good thing. This situation made me realize that Sujay is the right one for me no matter how many distractions come I wouldn't be with anyone else than Sujay. 
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2-May-18 

I'm at the bus stop, and after talking to Junaid day before yesterday I got a clear picture that 'M' was just fooling around. The fact that he activated a new number to chat with me, which flattered me earlier now sickens me. According to Junaid, he was cautious just in case if anything happens he could easily say that it wasn't number in the first place.  I hadn't thought about this at all, I have been so naive and actually a bit careless. Junaid said I should never let my guards down. And NEVER let anybody make me feel like I'm unworthy of life itself.  It's a lesson learnt. I do feel ashamed that Sujay is hurt, I abused his freedom. Nothing will come out of it if I cry and hold onto it. I will have to be strong and forgive myself!  Day before yesterday Srini praised me that I'm doing a good job. Well, I didn't really feel like believing in all that he said it few things felt genuine and devoid of flattery.   Today is a good day because the girl's side decided to come to our house, which is a good sign. Finally, something is looking positive after all the trials.   I've started reading 'I'm Ok - You're Ok' book, it is a total different subject called Transactional Analysis. Let me see what I can learn from this one.   Love yourself unconditionally. Let the super power do the same... 
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________3-May-18 

Heading back home after work, and guess what? 'M' came to office all of a sudden, well I had been very cold and indifferent to him. He came to review Amway content and did so, while all the time trying his best to talk to me.  I kept my face straight, didn't even look at his face properly. I know it must have been really hard for him, because he just dressed like a young man to impress me. I didn't give a damn, and I could feel that he was squirming inside because he was not getting any sort of attention from me.  And he left like within ten minutes. After sometime when I checked my phone I got an SMS from him saying 'I came to see you, thank you for the warm welcome'. I didn't feel like responding at all but then I just dropped a message in WhatsApp saying that I had no intention to hurt him. I could see that he viewed that message but gave no response. Not that I expected one from him.  I could be really hard on myself and in turn on others as well. I'm no more the same to him, the Suchitra he liked is dead. 'M' doesn't exist in my world anymore. It's just that I let him so close to me that he took away a piece of my soul. I feel bare and naked.  I want to let go of this sinking feeling, it is just making my heart ache. I got no clue what Sujay must have gone through! I'm so selfish that I never really thought much about him. 
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