Saturday, January 5, 2019

New Year - Be Strong!!


I’m trying to stay calm and nice. Well, I’m doing my best… that’s what I’d like to tell myself. On the very first day of this year I looked at a bird which made my day and when I googled ‘yellow and black Indian bird’ I saw the picture and it read: Indian Golden Oriole. The bird has got a mesmerizing aura; I mean I was awed by the colors. The yellow-golden color with black was striking! I felt blessed to look at that bird. I took it as God’s way of saying that life is going to be a very good one. I trust that gut feeling.

Not only did I get to see an Indian Golden Oriole but also got a job offer at Fortunapix. Good news! There’s one thing that I cannot avoid anymore, and that is my impending marriage. Tomorrow is going to be that day when I’ll be facing a potential marriage prospect. I don’t know how to take it, I did get to see the guy’s picture and somehow I felt I don’t think I want to talk , let alone be with him. My brother’s enthusiasm is irritating me a lot: he’s married and he can be happy with it but he’s not. He is trying his level best to get me hitched (within the caste, of course!).

I just ask myself only one question: what do I want to do at this point of time? Well, I can just act as if I’m interested in marriage for the sake of it but deep down I don’t think I’m really interested in it anymore. Emotionally, I don’t feel like being invested in anyone but myself.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

The Year That Wasn't - 2018 - 5

19-Dec-18

Returning from the interview discussion that I had at Fortunapix. I think NY was actually happy when she got to know that I'm leaving because she kept on asking questions like am I planning to get married etcetera. I don't know what she has in her mind, will AK miss me? I don't know.   I don't think so, because NY is back and there'll be new people around it will be easier for him to forget me than it'll be for me. 

20-Dec-18 

Yesterday I noticed something in AK's behavior which was something unexpected. When asked what type of woman he'd be interested in: he was looking right at me all blushed!   And today I see that he's enjoying his time with NY! I don't know what should I feel, I don't understand why am I feeling so possessive about him. I actually got irritated when AK and NY were fighting over secret santa event. I do understand that NY really likes AK, but then since AK is acting as a Team lead I don't think he would be his previous self with NY.  kinda walked out of the conference room, when I was at peaks when he said 'Shudras'. Well, I didn't really walk out because he said that ....I walked out because I didn't feel like being a witness of the shitty fights he was having with NY. I just had to get away and I did. And I hear him say 'What did I say that made her walk out of the room', I just stared at him. I didn't feel like giving any explanation to him. One thing is clear, I don't have the capacity to see him fight/flirt with NY.   NY is cunning in a way. If you notice, though she is talking to the team her eyes are always searching for AK's. I could sense that she doesn't really like when I'm spending time with AK. Well, I guess I need to thank God that it will all end soon. I don't have to see AK flirting with anyone anymore.  But I do realize now that he got affected when I left the room! Earlier I was the one who would feel bad and sad when he'd walk away when I'm doing something.  And yesterday when he was behaving a little differently. Like looking at me and was trying to get close to me in a way. When we were playing '5 things in common' game he was constantly looking at me while NY was trying very hard to get his attention. It was just yesterday that I had felt a spark between us and today all seems like a delusion. 

21-Dec-18 

Shit! AK is NY's Secret Santa....hmm....do I give a shit?   Nope.  And why NY is asking me the status of my interview? I just need to let it go.  Alright, quick update AK is Sudheer's secret santa....duh!  Am I happy about it? To be very honest, it didn't change a thing in my head.  Well, I just had a nice conversation with NY and she isn't a cunning woman the way I thought.  I told 'S' that I like AK over the phone. She just smiles and says I deserve someone much better than him. She went ahead and said that the only reason why she supports him is because she doesn't want to get into the wrong side of him. Since he is capable of screwing her happiness, furthermore he is very pretentious and well aware of his every move at office.  She also said that it's very easy to like him when you don't know him; the kind of background he is from he'll never understand someone's point of view or their struggles. It's always about seeing his own benefits.  My mind kept thinking about what she said and it's still in my head and I think it's God's way of putting things in perspective! 'S' asked me to focus on getting a good job and then think about guys...😀 

The Year That Wasn't - 2018 - 4

16-Dec-2018 

I've attended two interviews and they seem to be interested in my profile. One is Fortunapix and another one is Seken Information Systems, today @1 p.m I have a Skype interview with Seken's CEO - Ali Almorshed. Manager Hussain has asked me many questions and I think even Ali will. I better be prepared.  Lately, I am thinking a lot about AK. I really like him, it's not love but I want him to be in my life forever. I know when it comes to work he at times plays mind games and all that but out of office he is a very nice and amiable person. Something inside me tells that even he likes me: the way he pulls my leg and all. And when I'm sad he looks at me from his place and I can see that he is looking at me from my computer screen.   I think we really like each other a lot. But then again NY will be back from her break and I think AK will be hanging out with her. For him life will go on, I just wish he remembers me or, a tiny hope, that once I move out of The Strategist he'll ping me one day on WhatsApp and ask me to meet....this is a big expectation from my side but then I always wanted to spend some time with him.  I'm praying a lot and asking God that why I got introduced to this soul. Are we really meant to be together? There's this deep desire that I want to get to close to him. I don't know if I want a relationship with him but whatever we have between us is really beautiful. I remember asking him out for a movie and I know I was a little desperate, I got that cue and stopped it altogether. I didn't even add him in my contacts.  If it's meant to be it will be, isn't it?  After all that happened with Sujay, I don't think it's a good idea to get into another relationship right away. But I don't want to miss AK in my life. I'm praying to God to give me strength.   AK is planning to go to Australia, study there and settle down. I don't think I'll fit in his life in anyway. I am not his type of girl; I only have to prepare myself to let him go. I think it'll take time but like all the other things this too shall pass.  Again, God will take care of it.  

18-Dec-18 

Hmm.... I had a great time yesterday, but later realized that AK danced after I left, why can't he dance when I was around??   See the way my mind makes me look at things that haven't gone my way and though I had an amazing time it leaves me a little sad at the end. Well, even I'll be in my limits when he is around.  That's why I haven't even looked at him when he came, I could feel that he was looking at me from the corner of his eye. I do understand that he has got that special bonding with 'S' but I just wish he can be like that with me.  Well, he himself came and saw what I was doing for 'Food4Thought' and tried making a conversation I just responded evenly. And I could feel that I was getting irritated when he was conversing with NY. Oh yeah, NY is back.  She came yesterday itself and AK was kinda avoiding her but NY's eyes were only searching for his response/reaction. And she make this instant plan that we all shall go to London Bubble Company and then go to S's house. I just didn't want to miss out on anything. And I went.  The mistake I made was to call up my mother and say that I'll be late since I'm out with colleagues. All hell broke loose. 

The Year That Wasn't - 2018 - 3

4-Dec-18  

I've resigned from The Strategist.  

8-Dec-2018 

I'm at Deloitte office attending an interview, I am done with my Versant test and I'm awaiting further rounds of interview. I kinda prepared a little for my Versant so it came handy when giving the real versant. It's so chilly here and my brother dropped me at the interview venue.   I will miss The Strategist a lot but it's time to move on. Really, I'll be very happy to get an offer from Deloitte but then I accept whatever path I'm put on, I need to trust God and I'm asking for helping me to trust him/her more.   I'm being very open about my darker side to God, and I think it's the only way I can get over it. By, acknowledging the fact that I do have dark thoughts, even unthinkable ones. 

11-Dec-2018 

The interview at Deloitte went kaput. I'm looking forward to another interview scheduled this coming Saturday.  

12-Dec-2018 

I'm unable to take a decision, whether to stick here at the Strategist or not. My heart says no but then I'm aware of how I should suffer in search of job and all that. I don't think I can afford to sit at home, I've done that before and it's highly frustrating.  What has become of me here? Let me think about the pros and cons of being at the Strategist.  Pros: Got to know a lot about client management, HR concepts that are into L&D domain.   Cons: Given mainly PPT's to do, all my concentration goes into looking at colors and stuff. I'm hardly looking at the content.  Low pay, told constantly that I'm not good enough. Inevitable hike is being delayed citing stupid reasons.